Life, honestly.

Adultery

2010-04-14T13:45:00.004-04:00

We are the bride of Christ. That's how Jesus spoke of us and Paul and John echoed his language of love.

Revelation says that at the end of things we will sing and rejoice because we will be ready for marriage. We, the church, will be dressed in fine linen. We will have a wedding feast.

But, if we are the bride, I think we, I, are guilty of adultery. Today as I listened to "Called Beauty" by Jenny & Tyler, I was reminded of my unfaithfulness. Here are the lyrics.

Daily I could look at the gold and the fine, fine silver with which You have adorned my arms and neck and fingers.

So I was called beauty in the eyes
these gifts assured me You were mine
so I was called beauty in the eyes of my God and the angels.

Yet I sold all the jewels that you gave to me
and I used all the cash on other lovers I'd see.
Hoping that none would discover this feat
of the muck and the mire I'd continue to feast.

Daily I could take in the scent of the fragrance You've sprinkled on me.
And all the clothes made of cashmere You give 'cause You call me lovely.
Daily I could look at how fair I was only because of You.
Instead I'd forget what You've given, living for suitors I'd choose.

Still I remain treasured in the eyes of my God and the angels.

Oh, do not spare the rod. How I long for faithfulness.
Tell me once again of Your grace and woo me in.
Let not these lovers be more attractive than You, God.

Remind me of love. Remind me of You. Jesus, all of You.

Still I remain treasured in the eyes.

I am guilty of putting other loves before God.

But I want to be faithful. And I pray that everything else may lose its' shine and veneer in the light of the Lamb and the glow of the bridal white.

Real People

2010-03-24T11:33:00.002-04:00

You know them.

He's the one in the back with his head down, black hood flipped up. He doesn't dress like everyone else. Some days he smells funny. He's the butt of jokes. You've never heard the sound of his voice. Even the teacher pretends he's invisible.

Then there's the girl- who, for no apparent reason, everyone hates. You've heard the stories, the names. She was popular back in middle school but now- well, she may as well have the plague. She won't meet any one's eyes in the hallway.

They. Are. Real. People.

Her name was Phoebe and she was 15. She moved from Ireland to a new town at the beginning of the school year. She started off well, but things changed after she dated the wrong girls' ex-boyfriends. It was a quick fall to being a social pariah. Names were hurled at her as she walked the halls. The girls' bathroom was not a safe place. The cafeteria became dangerous. Garbage was thrown at her from passing car windows.

Until the day she couldn't take it any more and hanged herself in her family's home. Her taunters were arrested and currently await trial.

Please, don't tear people down. Don't deny anyone their physical and emotional safety at school. Don't act like other people are less than human.

And don't stand by and let it happen. When you do, you are just as guilty.

If you are the kid that gets pushed around, bullied- tell someone. Don't give up.

Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love. (1 John 4:8)
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)
You shall love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:31)
And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Bling to Blood

2010-03-22T15:38:00.005-04:00

Have you ever asked yourself why some people have so much and some people have so little?

Does God love the rich folks more? (so what does that say about those without all the stuff?)

Does God pay for your goodness and righteousness with American currency? God doles out the Benjamins for the extra-holy people and the Roosevelts for the less deserving?

Last night I was at a function for a ministry our college students partner with when we work downtown in Moore Square. Karen Spears Zacharias, author of Will Jesus Buy Me a Double-Wide? ('Cause I Need More Room for my Plasma TV), was in attendance and she shared her heart and her theology as she read from her book.

No, she says to all of the above questions. We can't buy financial blessings from God with our righteousness. No, God doesn't give people money because he loves them especially. No, there is not a formula for working the religious system and filling your pockets.

My heart knows she is right.

(But I think we wish there was a formula.)

(I think we would very much like it if God would pay our electric bill because we came to church.)

(I think we treat Jesus as if we would prefer bling to blood, loot to love, and money to mercy.)

I might be saying the things you aren't supposed to say, but I'm saying it anyway.

What do you say?

Red Blinks.

2010-03-08T13:48:00.003-05:00

My Blackberry is named Blinky McGee. He blinks red when I have a phone call, text message, Facebook notification, email, voice mail, Twitter notification, or Blackberry message. He blinks a lot. When he hasn't blinked in a little while, I wish he would.

Because a blink is not just a blink. It is an affirmation that the world hasn't forgotten me. It's a reminder that someone is paying attention to me.

Other times, I wish he would stop with the blinks. It gets annoying and I am immediately compelled to check whatever message might be waiting for me. And all of these messages matter to me too much. It seems silly and dangerous to let so much of my attention, so much of my life, be committed to the persistent blinking of a glorified cell phone.

You know what I mean. I think you feel the same way. Your Facebook chatting, your messages, texts, all of it seems to be a daily report on your significance.

I read today that "The great contemporary fear is anonymity." It's true. All of us are driven by the need to be recognized.

We live for the red blinks that remind us we aren't alone and that we are worthy.

Such a small indication of what could be an epic story.

Broken Songs

2010-02-26T15:54:00.004-05:00

I've had Caedmon's Call's album "In the Company of Angels" for a while. I'm pretty sure I bought it when it first came out in 2001. It immediately got scratched a bit in the way my favorite CDs always do.

It is still listen-able though, so I have since downloaded it onto my computer and I still listen to it often. I was just listening to it actually, when I started writing this post. I stopped it only because I had listened to the entire CD, all the way to halfway through the last song, where it always gets too garbled to listen to.

This is the first bit of the song that gets cut off:

All creation moves in a cosmic Danse

Before the Lord her king

and the rhythms, the reason, the rhyme

of the danse pulses within everything.

And the universe wheels and whirls like

a dervish in perfect seven-step time.

The Lord made the Danse,

he taught her the steps,

and he causes the songs to shine.

We must danse, danse, danse,

danse in God's honor.

We must yield all of our steps unto the King.

We must danse, danse, danse,

danse in God's honor.

Let his praises ring throughout the earth.

The rest of the song talks about how in Eden Adam and Eve messed up the steps of the danse (spelling is intentional, by the way) and then how Jesus taught and teaches us the rhythm again. It's a lovely song.

But it is broken.

I find it fitting that this particular song skips and crackles and sounds scrambled. You can't danse to a broken song. It reminds me of my own flaws. My own discordant sounds and my clumsy dansing.

It reminds me of Lent.

I'm Not a Scientist

2010-02-26T15:45:00.004-05:00

Really, I just pretend that I understand some fields of science. I'm not too interested in chemistry or biology and I didn't take the prerequisites for physics. I didn't really want to measure the height of a building based on its shadow anyway.

But I do want to know about our universe. And I want to explore the mysteries of the created order. I want to understand what time is. So I pretend I'm some brilliant physicist and read articles that I can only barely grasp. And it makes me think theologically.

Last week it was "What is Time? One Physicist Hunts for the Ultimate Theory" on wired.com.

What do you think about this idea of a multiverse? Do you think there can be a static universe that has no "arrow of time"?

If this theory were proved true, would we understand God differently?

Jesus in Moore Square

2010-02-22T16:14:00.002-05:00

Along with a crazy quilt of other people from Trinity, I spend the third Saturday of every month in Moore Square sharing breakfast to some of the homeless and poor of Raleigh.

Last Saturday wasn't as cold as it has been. That was a relief. In December, we all ached and trembled with cold and wet.

But this time was slightly warmer. We had sausage and egg biscuits, coffee, hot chocolate, and bananas. Like normal, our 80 biscuits were gone within a half an hour.

We don't really go to the park to feed people. You should know that right off. The food isn't the ends, it's the means. When the tattered, burdened, hollow-eyed people fill their bellies up, they soften up. (I would too. It's hard to make friends when your stomach is growling.) Suddenly, they have questions.

Who are you? Why are you here? Are you from a church?

We shake hands. And then they start to open up and tell us their stories.

I'm from Hawaii.

I'm from Winston-Salem.

I was in construction.

I'm good at computers.

I've been to college.

I'm not angry.

I'm a Christian.

I have a family but I don't want them to know I'm homeless.

These people are real. They are souls. Don't assume you know who they are. Don't judge them. Don't call them derogatory names. Don't avoid their eyes.

I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.

They are each Jesus.

Eyeballs and Signposts

2010-02-03T16:27:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking lately about how we discern God's "way" for us. Anybody else out there ever have this question?

Did you ever need to pick a college and you weren't sure?

Did you ever have to decide about a job?

How about a boyfriend/girlfriend? Any tough decisions there?

Sometimes God just seems kind of silent. Or is that just me? I've felt God's call enough to know it happens. But sometimes...there just doesn't seem to be an indication.

I was thinking about that today when I read this article from NPR this morning. Basically, the article discusses a study's findings about how it is really hard for our eyes and brains to pick out things that we don't see often. Whether it is finding a weapon in a suitcase at the airport, or a tumor in someone's body at the radiologist's, our brains don't seem to frequently recognize the things we don't see very often.

It got me to thinking- are there burning bushes and talking donkeys and divine messengers that we just don't recognize? The author of the study, Jeremy Wolfe says, "If you don't find it often, you often don't find it."

Hmm.

Could it be that because we're closed off to God's direction most of the time, we suddenly can't see it when we decide we want it?

Unspecial

2010-01-27T11:23:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I think I'm a really boring person. When people ask me what I've been up to, this is how my response usually goes:

"Oh. Well, you know. School and work. Keeping busy. Same old, same old."

Every time.

And then I read about people like 16 year old Abby Sunderland who left Marina Del Rey, CA three days ago in her boat in order to be the youngest person to ever circumnavigate the globe.

Yes. That's right circumnavigate the globe. Like Ferdinand Magellan. Her brother once held the record but he was bested by a guy from Britain. It's a whole family of spectacularly accomplished people, evidently.

And then I feel even more boring, untalented, and unspecial.

But then I remember that what I do and who I am depends on the choices I make. It depends on how I treat people and how I love God.

So maybe I'm no Sunderland family sailing prodigy, but I'm someone. Someone with a story, with meaning, and potential.

And so are you.

2010-01-15T08:56:00.003-05:00

All of the blogs I read have at least one post about Haiti. The unfolding aftermath of the earthquake is the front page at CNN.com. Yesterday at the gym I watched an interview with a Florida woman whose mother spends half the year in Haiti. Her mother hasn't been heard from in days. They have no idea if she is okay, safe, or even alive.

Everyone is talking about it.

Everyone is reminding us to pray, to give, to go when the opportunity presents itself.

A few facts about Haiti:

The first black republic to declare independence (1804)

Violence and unrest has marked Haiti's government, leading ultimately to the strong presence of the UN Stabilization Mission.

Finally inaugurated a democratically elected president and parliament in May 2006

Haiti is slightly smaller than the state of Maryland

Lies in the middle of the hurricane belt and has suffered damage from storms

Environment suffers from extensive deforestation, soil erosion, and inadequate supplies of potable water

Life expectancy is less than 61 years

As of 2007, 2.2% of the population suffers from HIV/AIDS

Only 52.9% of the adult population can read

More than 2/3 of the labor force do not have formal jobs.

80% of the population lives below the poverty line.

The people of Haiti have known suffering. Yet even so, Tuesday's earthquake has devastated them. Many cities are decimated. Hospitals and schools have crumbled into dust. People are sleeping in fields to avoid the still-falling buildings. Others are dying in the streets. Cries come from people buried in rubble.

We are the hands and feet of Christs. So what will we do about it?

Out of Control

2010-01-13T10:11:00.003-05:00

I see people begging for money pretty frequently. Odds are, you do too unless you refuse to look at them. They're everywhere. For us, the people who generally get to eat three times a day and have somewhere safe to lay down at night, these interactions are awkward. The mere existance of a beggar is humiliating. We avoid looking at them and stare at the red light instead, hoping the color will change.

We drive away, comforting ourselves with the thought that we don't have money to give them anyway. We convince ourselves that they would really use our money to buy drugs or alcohol. We remind ourselves that we have to be somewhere in a five minutes.

My friend Hugh (who is a missionary to the homeless of Raleigh) was recently interviewed by Karen Spears Zacharias regarding the question of panhandling. You can read the entire article here. Hugh is the asker of tough questions. He says this:

If you are late for an appointment and in a rush, maybe the best you can do is look them [the homeless people] in the eye and give them respect and dignity. Later you can pray for them and, while doing it, ask yourself and God if maybe your life is out of control if it prevented you from showing mercy and compassion to one of God's creatures.

That stings a bit. Because maybe my life is out of control. And maybe my priorities are out of order.

If I am too busy to love someone, maybe I have become someone Jesus wouldn't recognize.

Waiting: The Story of an Unringing Phone

2009-12-14T14:52:00.002-05:00

Today I am waiting on a pretty important phone call.

And I am watching my phone like it is getting ready to explode.

Everytime I turn my head and the light catches the screen, I think it is ringing. It isn't. My mom called earlier; I almost had a coronary. I hit the trackball every few minutes to see what time it is. The longest I've gone between button hittings is nine minutes.

I'm learning a lesson about Advent.

As we wait for Christ, both as Christmas approaches and as we anticipate his final coming, may we watch the phone. May we leap when we think it is ringing. May we impatiently tap buttons to make sure it is still working.

May we want Christ to come more than anything.

The Season of Everyday

2009-12-07T13:43:00.003-05:00

I grew up in a church that didn't keep the liturgical year at all. We celebrated Christmas and Easter, of course, but I didn't even really know anything about the holy seasons. My sister's Methodist friend taught her about Lent so she and I sort of began keeping that season but mostly because we thought it was cool and un-Baptist.

I didn't know Advent existed until I came to college. I had settled into a Baptist church in Fuquay-Varina and it was there that I first glimpsed the mysterious Advent wreath and candles. It took a little research before either of these seasons meant anything real to me.

It may be because I came to it later in life, but I love Advent and Lent. It makes Christmas and Easter so much more significant to come to the season with a prepared heart. It does me good.

I was reading this morning on a blog I enjoy, The Website of Unknowing. It's good stuff. In his most recent post, Carl writes about celebrating Christmas and Easter everyday. He begins by explaining how for monks, each day should be Lent. He writes:

"So if we are called to a continual lent in preparation of that ever-present Easter, ought not we see our lives as a time of continual advent, in watchful waiting for that ever-present Christmas? If every day is a day when the hope and love of Christ can be born anew in the hearts of those who love him, then every day is a time of expectancy and of hope. And jsut as the church commends to us advent as a time of contemplation and, yes, of joyful penitence, so we can join the monks in their continual lent by making every day of our lives a continual advent.

Let us join together, in watching and waiting for the coming of God. Let us join together in turning back to God. Let us celebrate the ever-new ways we give birth to the Divine Image in our lives, every day. And let us celebrate all the ways in which that same Divine Image breathes new life in us and through us."

Let it be so.

*Icon is "Our Lady of the Sign" and is the official icon of the archdiocese of Denver, CO.

Harder than Singing a Don Henley Song...

2009-12-04T14:54:00.003-05:00

What is the worst thing you've ever done?

Really. The worst.

Do you believe in forgiveness? Are you the person you once were? Do you believe people can change?

Even, say, sex offenders?

This guy does. He's creating a community and a church for rehabilitated sex offenders.

I believe in forgiveness because I need it. But it is a lot harder to forgive other people, especially those who hurt people I love.

So do I really believe in forgiveness? Do I really believe people can change?

Or better yet,

would I give them the chance?

Walls

2009-11-09T14:53:00.014-05:00

There was once a wall that divided East from West. It divided brothers and sisters, parents and children. It also divided ideas.

And twenty years ago, it was past time for the wall to come down.

So people tore it down. And the world rejoiced.

People kept pieces of the wall to remind them not to build more walls.

People didn't remember the lesson. And more walls got built.

Robert Frost said "good fences make good neighbors." I think tearing down walls can make good neighbors also.

(Image from Andreas Rentz/ Getty Images)

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven..." Matthew 5:43-45a

Bread for a Thousand

2009-11-06T13:42:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about this cartoon for a little while:

Steve Breen, San Diego Tribune, Oct 18, 2009

And then this morning I read about Joan and her life on the streets in Kenya. Joan is 19 and lives in Nairobi. She has a son from when she was raped at 15 but he lives with her mother. Joan sells glue to other street kids hoping to get high. She sends what she can back to her mother to help pay for her son's living expenses. Her mother doesn't know she lives on the streets. Over 60,000 children and youth live on the street in Nairobi. None of them are safe, well-fed, or remembered by a world who has tucked them into envelopes and express mailed them far away.

The world is a sad place to be.

Except when it is brought into rightness. Immediately after reading about Joan, I came across this poem by David Whyte via The Burnside Writers Collective.

This is not the age of information.

This is not

The age of information.

Forget the news,

And the radio,

And the blurred screen.

This is the time of loaves

And fishes.

People are hungry

And one good word is bread

For a thousand.

-David Whyte

Let there be bread.

Innocence

2009-10-19T13:15:00.005-04:00

Once upon a time, in a land far away a young boy dreamed of taking off in a balloon and exploring the world from above. The boy had a big imagination and a soul that yearned for adventure. Taunting him from the back yard of his family's home was a lovely hot air balloon. The nylon material spread across the green grass laying flat like so many daydreams.

The young boy went to his father who was a wealthy inventor and a hero in the land. The boy told his father of his dream of flying in the balloon. The boy spoke of great adventures, of emerald fields and crisp blue skies. He spoke of tall buildings and sparkling cities. The inventor became excited, his brain whirling with ideas and plans for his son. He told the young boy that he could travel in three days.

The boy could barely keep still from the butterflies of thrill living in his stomach. He only had eyes for the adventure that lay behind his closed eyelids. The three days passed slowly.

Finally, the day approached and the inventor and the boy stood outside the rambling stone house, watching as one of the groundskeepers began to fill the balloon with hot air. The boy trembled with joy. "You've forgotten your hat," the inventor said. "Run inside and get it before it is time to go!" The boy darted toward the house, his feet pounding and the blood rushing in his ears. Such a silly thing to have left behind.

He dashed up the steep staircase and into his room. He thought his hat must be crammed under his bed as he laid flat on his stomach and wiggled under the bed. He caught hold of the narrow brim and slid back out from under the bed. The boy rose to his knees with his chest heaving and glanced out the window. The ripe rainbow of the balloon was taking off, 10 feet from the ground.

"No, no, no, no, no," he repeated as he retraced his hurried steps to the backyard. His face was wet before he realized he was crying. The boy leaped on the inventor as he arrived. The balloon was high now, 100 feet off the ground. "Get it back, get it back!" he screamed.

"We will," his father replied, shaking the boy off his long legs. "I need you to go into the attic and stay until I need you. I have some phone calls to make." The boy's crying stopped, his mind turning to gray.

"But I thought..." the boy began.

"I have a plan," his father said quickly, turning to the house. "Go to the attic."

Thus the young boy became an old boy. His adventures were muted and his crying muffled as he laid on an old couch in the attic, waiting to be rescued.

Pocahontas Lied

2009-10-14T10:33:00.003-04:00

I spent last weekend in Washington state, splitting my time between the Yakama Indian Reservation and Seattle. One of our college students and I had travelled there to collect information and organize the mission trip the college students will be taking there next summer. While we were there, I spent a lot of time realizing how ignorant I am. A few reflections:

First, AP US History really only teaches you about the history of white people. Turns out there is a much larger story whispering in our ears, crying to be heard and acknowledged.

Most of the information I have about Native Americans came from books and movies that are not exactly reliable. ("Pocahontas" and The Indian in the Cupboard, anyone?)

I know very little about where I come from. Immersed in a culture who continues to feel the hurts of their long-dead elders, I realized that I don't even know my great-grandparents names. There is something missing from our anchor-less culture.

My idea of "missions" has less to do with the Body of Christ than it does with making us feel good about ourselves. What if the people that we do missions for don't actually need our hands? What if we all just need to be together?

God is bigger than my frame of reference, my understanding of the Christian church, and my tradition. There is something powerful about recognizing the rightness of God being served in another context.

I really believe that this trip is going to be transformational. We have a lot to learn from our brothers and sisters of the Yakama nation. I encourage all of the college students to begin thinking and praying about how they can learn and grow in Washington.

My Love Returns

2009-10-07T11:38:00.002-04:00

Have I mentioned how much I love fall? The world is happier to me when it is less steamy hot and the jewel tones of the grass, trees, and sky come out in full force. For all of you who have been complaining about it being "cold" and "gross" the last couple days, I take that personally.

I think one reason I love autumn is that it seems like a more reflective season. The world slows down just a bit. There is crisp, clear air to breathe and space to think. We need more of that.

Also, there are Halloween Oreos and fun size candy bars to think about. For some reason, a Nestle Crunch seems the most fall-ish to me.

There is also the goodness of getting to wrap up in scarves and knitted hats and fingerless gloves. Favorites.

But mostly, I guess I love the quiet, the peacefulness. The promise of winter's rest.

Hurricanes and Other Radical Changes

2009-09-30T14:01:00.004-04:00

We are, my friends, on the cusp of a worldchanging shift. This revolutionary shift will change the way the world thinks and lives. It is called postmodernism. Many of you are feeling uneasy after reading these three sentences. You aren't sure what postmodernism means, but it sounds dumb because what comes after modern? Others of you are thinking, "Well, yeah." This is because you are postmodern. Neither modern or postmodern is better by any means, but they are distinctively different. Different ways of thinking and viewing the world.

We don't really know what it means yet, this word or the ideas that caused the neologist to be so uninspired in his or her work. Nonetheless, the ground is beginning to tremor under our feet. Now, the tremors will probably not turn into a full earthquake until we're all dead, but there is something going on now. You know this to be true. The world is not what it was 100, 75, or even 50 years ago.

Yesterday Brian McLaren, a popular Christian author and speaker was at my school talking about some of these issues. He is one of the leading voices on Christian postmodernism. He compared cultural shifts such as this one to hurricanes that block roads, reroute rivers, and change the topography of an area.

Today I was reading in the news and I came across this article from CNN. There was a earthquake and resulting tsunami yesterday that affected American Samoa, Samoa, and Tonga. In case you don't know where that are is, it is here:

According to CNN, American Samoa is a very closely bound area. The people have all begun to work together to rebuild, replant, replace, and most importantly, to mourn. A 29 year old iReporter named Manefaiga Lagafuaina writes, "That's how we operate over here in American Samoa- basically everyone is related."

I was thinking of this seismic shift begining among us. I pray that we will weather the storm with unity and love as the Samoans have.

Let it be so.

Iraqi Christians

2009-09-18T13:37:00.002-04:00

According to this article from the New York Times by Campbell Robertson, the Iraqi struggle right now, is particularly difficult for Christians.

In recent years, half of the Christian population of Iraq has fled, leaving the poorest and weakest Christians behind. Most Iraqi Christians live in the northern province of Nineveh (yes, that Nineveh that Jonah visited). In 2003, America brought security forces from Kurdistan into the region to protect people. Now there is strife between the Kurdish government and the Iraqi government- whose land is it? As if that were not enough, the conflict continues between the Sunni and Shiite leaders.

In addition, theological debates divide the Christians. Since the Americans came in 2003, new Protestant churches have been planted in the region. There are now Baptist, Assembly of God, and Pentecostal churches who can't seem to get along with the older Christian churches- Catholic and Orthodox.

The leaders seem untrustworthy. There is no money. People are escaping like rats in a burning building.

One Christian human rights advocate in Baghdad commented, "In the long term I think Iraq will be very good, but when this time comes the Iraqi Christians will be finished. Our identity will be gone."

Pray for our brothers and sisters in Iraq. They struggle in ways unbelievable to us. Pray. Find a way to help.

*My information came from "Christian Soldiers," by Campbell Robertson. This article can be found at http://atwar.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/04/christian-soldiers/?scp=1&sq=christian&st=cse.

The Valley Song

2009-09-14T13:54:00.003-04:00

You know how sometimes you hear a song that you haven't heard in a while and the goodness of it hits you in the face? I was listening to "The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay this afternoon and well, wow. Last week I quoted someone who said "Show Me What I'm Looking For" by Carolina Liar was "the most spiritually honest song [he'd] heard in a long time." I think "The Valley Song" is right there with it.

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You.

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.

When death, like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens,
I will still seek your face.
But I fear You aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness
And the hunger
For a faith that assures.

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy.

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut,
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut.
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters,
Higher mountains have come down.

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

There is this moment in the last chorus when the lead vocalist is singing those lines, "I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy." And then the music stops. There is a long pause and he sings, "Yeah." You can hear the intention there. He is making the decision to sing to God despite everything. He has decided and the decision convinces him of the truth. It's for real.

To Look Like You

2009-09-11T13:42:00.003-04:00

If you watch any kind of celebrity gossip television shows or read the news online, you probably already know that Tyra Banks revealed her real hair to the studio audience of her self-titled talk show yesterday.

Yes, you read that correctly. She showed her real hair. Gasp!

To me, this is yet another reminder of how we are always in the process of becoming something we're not. It receives massive media coverage for a celebrity to reveal what her hair looks like sans weave or wig. Something here seems just a bit off to me.

Everyday I run through a 15 minute regimen of applying lotion, cover-up, foundation, powders, perfumes, and lots and lots of hair product (believe me, this 'fro is not easy to handle!). However, compared to many women I know, I am doing the bare minimum.

Now, certainly I am not advocating that we stop wearing makeup or doing our hair but I do wonder what it would take for us to be a little bit more comfortable with ourselves. Do we have to live in a world where it is a big deal for us to reveal our real hair? Should real hair make CNN?!

Are you comfortable in your skin? Why or why not? Would you leave the house with no makeup? Gentlemen, this applies to you too- some of you are just as prissy as any girls!

Why is it such a big deal to just be natural? To look like...you?

Honesty.

2009-09-04T13:28:00.003-04:00

A few months ago (maybe January?) I started hearing a new song on VH1's Jumpstart in the mornings. (Aside: Back in the day when I had TV I got ready every morning while VH1 played music videos on my television. For the most part, it was stuff not yet on the radio and it was a good way for me to wake up.) Anyway, for some reason, this song kind of stuck with me and I would find myself humming it throughout the day and getting excited when they played it. You've probably heard it by now; it is on the radio. "Show Me What I'm Looking For" by Carolina Liar?

One of the bloggers I read occasionally called it "one of the most spiritually honest songs I've heard in a while." He also analyzes it a bit more deeply than I plan to, so go read that post. My point is that every time I hear it I think, "Yes." The reality is that each one of us is flawed, broken, confused, and crying out. Sometimes we don't even know what it is we need. Here are the lyrics:

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this.
Please, I'll be strong,
I'm finding it hard to resist.
So show me what I'm looking for

CHORUS
Save me, I'm lost.
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you.
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for...oh, Lord.

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

CHORUS

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost,
Just save me from being confused.
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this.
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for...oh, Lord.

So many of us are really kind of lost, even as believers. May we all have to courage to be honest rather than spitting back the "Sunday school" answers.

Lost in Translation

2009-09-02T10:04:00.003-04:00

Many of you own and use New International Version translations of the Bible. Have you ever thought about why? Or what is involved in the process of Bible translating? As a student of both Hebrew and Greek (not Aramaic!) believe me when I say that a "good" translation is incredibly difficult. There is so much that has changed in the 2,700 years since the first texts were written. It is enough to make this girl want to run far away from the original texts and simply be contented to let others do the work or translation. Except that is such a bad idea. As a reader of the text, as a follower of Christ and a minister of the gospel, it is my (our) responsibility to make sure that the people who translate professionally are doing good work, marked with integrity.

I mentioned the NIV because the Committee on Bible Translation (CBT), part of Biblica who owns the NIV announced yesterday their intention to release a new, updated version of the NIV. The NIV has been updated (both by a new version and other offshoot versions) several times since its initial 1978 publication. These updates include the 1984 edition of the NIV (Trinity's pew Bibles), the New International Reader's Version, the New International Version Inclusive (published only in the UK and includes gender inclusive language), and Today's New International Version (published in 2002 with gender inclusive language). Most of you probably use the 1984 version of the NIV.

In 2011, however, a new New International Version (NIV 2011) will be available for purchase. Today's New International Version will be discontinued, as the publisher says, because it "divided the evangelical Christian community," namely, with its gender inclusive language. Also, the TNIV had poor sales.

Many questions abound at this point. Will the CBT continue to pursue gender-inclusive language? Has the CBT retrenched in order to please the heavy handed, money-driven forces behind Bible publishing? Will the NIV 2011 be a better translation or just better selling?

We shall see.

Usurpers

2009-08-28T16:22:00.006-04:00

Recently, I read an article on CNN.com about some patent applications that were submitted recently by Bill Gates and some other scientists. The technology protected by these patents would be used to move cold air from low in the ocean to the top of the ocean, cooling the surface water temperature and ultimately slowing and weakening hurricanes. Large barges would run two conduits to move the water. They would stand in the path of strong storms and cool the warm water hurricanes need to grow and move.

A lot of scientists don't really think this plan would work. However, the science is not necessarily what I find interesting. I'm marvelling, I suppose, at the fact that once again, humankind (thinks they) can control nature. We make quick business of blasting through rocks or removing mountains. We plant where there is nothing but rocks, we harvest where there is nothing but forest.

It reminds me a bit of a story. A story of a group of people who wanted to build a high tower to gain power and prestige for themselves. Their urge to usurp power from the Most High God left them scattered. I wonder what will be the ultimate result of our usurpation.

Big Thoughts Swirling

2009-08-26T09:44:00.006-04:00

So, wow. It's been kind of a long time. And I apologize for that. I'm not really sure what happened in the last two weeks, but evidently, it didn't include any blogging.

I started reading The Divine Commodity by Skye Jethani last week. In large part, it is about the Consumer-driven Christianity that we've all bought into on some level. The basic idea is that we have modelled our churches, our relationships with one another, and even our relationships with God after the broken, ungraceful image of the business world. I think Jethani, like many others who have pointed this out, is right. We're missing a lot of the Major, the Divine, the Infinite because we're awfully busy with the false god who provides us with therapy and booster shots.

But there is something inside all of us that cries out for more, right? We're aware of it. Even you, here on this blog, have told me over the past two years that you know there is more, you just can't seem to find it. Jethani says we've lost our imagination and this is what keeps us focused on the small.

I think we all really want to find our identity, one that is not related to our individuality, but to our relation to the Holy One.

What if it is all right there, at the furthest point of our imagination, past the boundaries of our skulls? What if, by stripping away the jargon, the business models, the programming, the guilt, and the shame and clinging to the artistic, the lovely, the bold, and the authentic, we could find ourselves?

I'm only on chapter two. I'll let you know how it goes.

Shameless Self-Promotion!

2009-08-10T15:30:00.003-04:00

Today was the first day of our Pentateuch intensive and I would deem it a success. We contended with the fact that Moses didn't write Genesis through Deuteronomy as well as the certainty that those books are a hodgepodge of documents from a variety of sources. We talked about when things were probably written and how the literary genre of a section informs the way we read it. We discussed the crazy beautiful liturgy of creation.

And we want you to be around for the next four days of study! In the coming days we will examine God's covenants, the stories of the Patriarchs, themes within the books, the Exodus, keeping kosher, and many other topics.

I hope that you will consider joining us as we examine what is actually in the scripture rather than what we think is there. We'll be in the Underground every day this week from 10:00 to 12:30.

brokenness

2009-08-05T16:02:00.002-04:00

"Our brokenness is a better bridge to others than our pretend wholeness will ever be." -Sheila Walsh

Why can't we just be real, authentic, and broken together? What is holding us back? Whatever it is, it isn't Jesus.

To the holy places

2009-08-03T10:15:00.003-04:00

In a movie I watched this weekend, one of the protagonists asked the girl he liked if she likes music. She replied that asking if someone enjoys music is like asking if someone enjoys food. She looked at him as if he had suddenly grown a second nose. We all like music, buddy.

There is always, always music playing around me. In the car, in my apartment. Even now, in the church office, I'm listening to Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis. There is some music that touches our souls. It takes advantage of the thin places and brings a bit of the Kingdom of God on earth. I believe that. There is certainly music that is conducive to praying and meditating.

I like Jeff Johnson (I have his Vespers album). I'm growing quite fond of The Album Leaf. Caedmon's Call, Jars of Clay, David Crowder Band and Derek Webb will always have a special place in my heart although I can get distracted by the lyrics.

I would like very much to know what music speaks to you. Even though my iTunes account doesn't thank me for it, I am always looking for some music that speaks. Please share.

Letting it Go

2009-07-28T09:43:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I read this article by Shawn Tully, editor-at-large at CNN Money, regarding potential losses of freedom under the health care reforms being discussed in congress this week. Tully outlines each blow to personal freedom, including the "freedom to choose what's in your plan," "freedom to be rewarded for healthy living, or pay your real costs," "freedom to choose high-deductible coverage," "freedom to keep your existing plan," and "freedom to choose your doctors."

Perhaps you are enraged by these new bills. Maybe you don't care; or like me, you don't entirely understand it all. My Facebook MiniFeed and Twitter account are splattered with opinions on health care reform and it is being bandied about by all the news agencies. Everyone is talking about gaining the freedom to afford health care or conversely, losing freedoms to the governmental bureaucracy.

I'm wondering this morning, if we ought not be more worried about the spiritual freedoms that many of us willingly relinquish on a regular basis.

There are four freedoms that are frequently used to distinguish Baptists. These were outlined by Walter Shurden and arguably are defining points for the Baptist identity. They are:

Soul Freedom: The soul is able to be the independent decision maker and should do that without any coercion from any outside force.
Church Freedom: Each local church gets to make autonomous decisions for itself and cannot be dictated to by any governing body.
Bible Freedom: Each individual gets to read and interpret the Bible for him/herself using the best available study resources.
Religious Freedom: Each individual has the right to choose to practice or not practice whatever religion he or she desires.

I believe in these four freedoms. I think that they not only typify our Baptist heritage and identity, but they are good common sense. To me, they are part of discipleship.

And what I'm wondering today is why we live as if we care more about threats to our freedom regarding our insurance than preserving our soul, church, Bible, and religious freedoms.

For my nephew, on his way

2009-07-20T10:56:00.004-04:00

The whole earth is full of his glory.
You are his glory.
You are the kavod, the weight, the significance.
Little one, you keep the earth spinning;
Whirling for him.

It gets muddled and mired in the burden of living,
but you, little one, are good.
Created in his image, you are.

You will add to the dark but you can choose light.
Your tiny hands will destroy and build.
Break and create.
Confuse and clarify.

It will be cloudy, this living, even as you add to the light.
Carry it with you- you are good, holy.
You are the kavod.

Jo March and me

2009-07-10T16:01:00.004-04:00

I've been rough edges and loud laughter my whole life. I spent a couple awkward adolescent years trying to not be a ladylike reproduction of Victorian propriety. My friends and I would have girls-only burping contests (with a bit of Dr. Pepper, I was a front runner). I have always most easily identified with Jo from Little Women moreso than Beth, Meg, or certainly prissy Amy. I break things a lot and I like to play with fire. I am sometimes sarcastic and caustic. I hurt feelings. I guess I used to think that being gentle just couldn't be me.

Something I am learning is that gentleness does not require being a china doll (gentleman readers, aren't you terribly glad?). 1 Timothy 6:11 tells us to pursue gentleness. It is also part of the fruit of the Spirit. Right up there with love and faithfulness. They aren't messing around with this gentleness stuff.

I particularly love what Philippians 4:5 says about gentleness though, "Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near." Perhaps it is simply my own reading, but I understand that phrase to say, "God is right here. You don't have to yell. Stop being obnoxious."

I need this reminder everyday and maybe you do to. Be gentle. Not prim and proper, just gentle. Meek, mellow, and kind-hearted.

Kentucky, pt. 2

2009-07-06T10:20:00.003-04:00

Anna* is 16 years old. She’s overweight and ridiculed harshly at school. We came into contact with her through the truancy officer; she doesn’t go because the kids are mean. They treat her as if she is not a human. Her family is very poor and can’t afford to buy her clothes and what she has does not fit her well. But her eyes sparkle and she has a lovely smile. She is hungry for positive attention and acceptance.

I was not with the girls who took Anna shopping. I did not get to watch her try on clothes that were stylish and fit her body. I did not see her pose for pictures in her new favorite jeans. But I saw her smile when she and her new-found friends came to our cookout that afternoon. She was radiant. She glowed with the happiness of new friends and a pinch of self-confidence.

The new clothes were not the agent of change in Anna. The relationships worked all that magic. She moved with the grace of someone who is becoming comfortable with herself. She met my eyes when I introduced myself and I could tell that a seismic shift had occurred in her soul. Anna had more than bags of new clothes- she had friends and hope, perhaps for the first time ever.

*names have been changed

Kentucky, pt. 1

2009-06-29T10:37:00.004-04:00

I haven’t washed my hair since we got back from Kentucky. Beyond simply having hair that doesn’t need washed everyday, I think I haven’t because a small part of me doesn’t want to wash Kentucky away from me entirely. I don’t want my experiences there to be physically washed away from me. The faces and stories linger, more fragrant than the moist stench of Downtown Inn and Suites.

I carry Cody (a 7 year old girl with huge milk chocolate eyes) and Jacob (her brother, 10, who repeatedly told me how pretty I was) with me. I carry my prayers for them like infants because Cody and Jacob are so in need of love and gentleness.

I have never smelled as bad as I did the last day we left their house. The filth of their home, coupled with mildew, cigarette smoke, and urine assailed me each time I crossed their threshold. Sweat trickled down the small of my back as we assembled a new bed for Jacob and I made his bed with new, clean sheets. The three of us later sat on Jacob’s new bed as I asked them if they knew why I was there. Cody looked at me, her sparkling eyes straight into mine. “You really love me,” she said simply. I explained to her that she was exactly right and that even greater than my love was Jesus’ love for her.

We returned to their house once more, later that evening to bring the kids some final special treats. I had promised we would return. As we pulled into their yard, Cody and Jacob flew out of their house. “You didn’t lie! You didn’t lie!” Cody bellowed.

I wondered, as I choked back tears, who had lied to her in the past. I wonder and pray if we did enough. I have hope for those children. I hope more than anything that they will know how much I didn’t lie to them.

Muzzled

2009-06-15T09:54:00.003-04:00

I have always believed that God is not in the business of forcing us. I think that truth is pretty well illustrated by the fact that we all know people who have chosen to not believe or who have turned away from their faith. I don't think that the Giver of freedom is big on locking us into a structured, unmoving set of beliefs.

But sometimes other Christians make me feel that way.

Sometimes my brothers and sisters in Christ want me to just say what they want to hear and nothing else. Sometimes there is not room to express my thoughts, doubts, fears, and questions. No one wants to hear them. I will be judged if I say these things out loud. I will be condemned as unfaithful.

I would like for all of us to take a moment to consider all the things we cannot say in church. Now say it. Outloud. Leave a comment, or don't; but just say something. Don't be afraid.

I'll start: I think that what we do matters way more than what we say and I think we talk way too much. I sometimes want to tell people that they don't get to have an opinion if they aren't willing to do the work to fix the problem. And I want to yell at them for being so narrow.

Thinking

2009-06-05T16:25:00.002-04:00

I re-read one of my favorite YA books (Seventeen Against the Dealer by Cynthia Voight, in case you wondered) earlier this week and it got me to thinking about thinking. The main character, Dicey, learns by the end of the book that becoming an adult doesn't mean she's finished learning or even that she is off the hook of critical thinking. She's a really straight-forward girl and she has a plan. It isn't immediately obvious to her that she still has to function on a higher mental plane.

Anyway, this all lead me to thinking about us. How often, really, do we think about what we believe, who we are, who God is, how the world works, etc.? I think sometimes we get caught just putting one foot in front of the other without looking at the mechanics. We miss a lot. We ignore the glittering pebbles of the riverbed when we just wade downstream.

I trudged through algebra because my teachers told me it would teach me to think. I'd hate to waste all that fine education on pure mental laziness!

Extravagant

2009-06-03T11:41:00.004-04:00

Sometimes it is really easy to forget that people are watching us. And they know we're Christians and they're judging us. It is unpopular to say things like that. But it is true. Check out this story from CNN.

(Image from CNN)

In short, a robber comes in to a store and asks for money. The owner pulls out a gun. While trying to convince the owner to not call the police, the robber reveals that he has no money and is out of food. The owner (a Muslim) gives the thief $40 and a loaf of bread. The robber decides that this Muslim man is so good, he ought to become a Muslim also. He converts.

I wonder how often our extravagant mercy and grace show the world how Christ has changed us. Probably not very often.

I wonder when the last time was that someone could see Jesus' love through me...

community

2009-05-20T10:30:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about community lately. Let's break down the word and see if it reveals anything about the meaning:

Commu

Nity

The word parts are a mystery, and thus, so is community (just kidding, and yes, I stole that from a Jack Handy "Deep Thought.")

Actually, since I moved I've been praying that God would lead me to a solid community of believers. I need some friends that I can serve and who will support me. I think it is coming, slowly but surely. I am glad for this. I also have a friend who is working to develop a New Monastic/Intentional Community. I've been thinking through a lot of these issues as I've observed his efforts.

I know that we were created for community. Anything less than living fully invested in those around you (and being invested in return) is simply a shell. I also believe that community is more than your insulated, homogenous family structure. Community should be diverse and beautiful. It should point back to the imaginative nature of creation. It should be safe, long-term, healthy, and most of all, loving. This is what God wants for us. This is a one cell of the body of Christ. It is beautiful.

And I want it for myself. And for you.

Act

2009-05-18T09:17:00.003-04:00

You know the Sermon on the Mount? Have you ever noticed how it ends? Jesus had been talking about who is blessed in the Kingdom of God, the way believers are supposed to act, the way we're supposed to love our enemies, the way to give, the way to pray, what not to worry about, and not judging. He talks about some other things too. And then it ends with this:

"Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, and the floods came and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell- and great was its fall!" (Mt. 7:24-27, emphasis mine)

Probably you know what I'm getting at here. We always talk about this passage in the sense of building a firm foundation of right beliefs. Knowing scripture and knowing right from wrong is the strong foundation, right? Um. Read again.

Jesus says that what will preserve the wise person is acting upon his words. Living out the entire Sermon on the Mount. Every word. Beliving these things, knowing them and understanding them? Not enough.

I love it when Jesus makes things a bit more difficult than we wish he would...

Jealous Kind

2009-05-15T10:49:00.002-04:00

"Jealous Kind" by Jars of Clay

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
Sought the company of fools instead of friends

You know I've been unfaithful
Lovers in lines
While you're turning over tables with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
Thought that love would never find
Hanging ropes will never keep you
And your love of a jealous kind
Love of a jealous kind

Trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
For solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
Than to be broken by a lover I don't understand
'Cause I don't understand

One hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
If I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
And love that shames the wise, betrays the heart's deceit and lies
And breaks the back of foolish pride

God calls himself a jealous God (see, for example, Exodus 20:5). God wants us, only us, and fully. He wants our complete selves. No idols, no piles of money, no overflowing closets, no baggage, no strings binding us to other things. God wants our souls to come to him.

We bait God, I think. We provoke his jealousy a thousand times a day when we chose anything over him.

Too Many Words

2009-05-13T16:13:00.002-04:00

Friends, I am convicted and confused.

St. Francis of Assisi once said, "Preach the gospel at all times, if necessary, use words." 1 John 3:18 says, "Little children, let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action."

I think we talk too much. I think I talk too much.

It is easy for us to think that these words mean that we should believe what we are saying, meaning, don't say something if you really don't have a heart for whatever your talking about. But I think perhaps they're a bit more literal. Maybe Francis and John mean what they say. Stop talking and do something.

I'm tired of talking all the time. I'm not sure that a ministry of words is much good to anyone.

Satan Stuff

2009-05-07T13:36:00.003-04:00

I think that one of the most effective ways in which Satan works is by feeding us lies about who we are. We begin to rip ourselves apart, doubting every aspect of identity until we are thoroughly convinced that we are not able to do the task God has laid out in front of us. He's tricky, that Satan.

A few examples:

You aren't smart enough.
You aren't pretty enough.
You are a failure.
You never get anything right.
You're embarassing.
People are only nice to you because they feel bad for you.
Everyone can see right through you.
You don't have enough money.
You really aren't good at this.

Sometimes (more often than I would like to admit) I believe the lies. I succomb to all of my painful insecurities and I fall flat on my face. Sometimes I just give up and walk away, convinced that I cannot be the right person for the job.

Sometimes I fight back and my head bobs high enough out of the surging waters to catch a breath. I gain a bit of perspective.

What do you do when you are attacked by your insecurities? How do you fight against the things Satan throws at you?

Oh, dear.

2009-05-05T15:56:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting conversation with someone this week. Here is the question I raised:

How would your parents react if you announced that God had called you into full-time vocational missions and you would be leaving for Zimbabwe (or some other developing, unstable nation)soon?

Readers who are parents, please tell us how you would honestly feel if your child told you they were leaving for Africa.

I have a feeling that honest answers would be surprising, interesting, and perhaps a bit difficult. Please comment! I really want to know what you think would happen.

Evangelicals and Torture

2009-05-01T13:22:00.000-04:00

A recent study released by the Pew Forum has found that more white, American evangelical Protestants believe the use of torture against suspected terrorists is often or sometimes justified than any other religious demographic.

I have my opinion on this issue but I also recognize that it is far more complicated than a simple yes or no. It is more than a pithy iteration of "Who would Jesus torture?". There are so many factors that play into this question and I fear that some of those are less lily-white than working to save other lives.

I wonder how we would react if say, rather than waterboarding, the government flogged and hung suspected terrorists from a cross?

Thoughts?

Patient Zero

2009-04-29T16:05:00.000-04:00

So, at this point we've all been sufficiently briefed and terrified about the swine flu, right? If not, go to your favorite news source and get the details. We'll wait.

Officials in Mexico believe that they have identified "Patient Zero," that is, the person who first contracted the virus. He is five years old and his name is Edgar. Although he was sick with the deadly flu, he survived with the help of ice cream, he says (obviously no disagreement from me).

Edgar got me to thinking about another who contracted a deadly illness that spread all over the world. His name was Adam though, and he lived kind of a long time ago.

Romans 5:12 says, "Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death came through sin, and so death spread to all because all have sinned." Adam's (and Eve's) sin pervaded human nature. There was no escaping sin after them. In the same way that swine flu came from this one innocent little boy and has spread throughout the world, sin started with one and clouded over all humanity.

Ah, but here is the beauty, Romans 5:17 explains, "If, because of the one man's trespass, death exercised dominion through that one, much more surely will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness exercise dominion in life through the one man, Jesus Christ."

Amen.

Bunny

2009-04-22T09:33:00.000-04:00

I'm eating a bunny right now. Chocolate of course, left over from Easter. It's funny how long ago Easter seems today. The one and a half weeks could be any amount of time away. It could be two thousand and nine years ago for all the distance between the event and where I am right now.

We are an Easter people. I believe that. Yet I wonder, how do we keep the Easter spirit alive? How do we live into our identity as Easter people? We're taught that Christmas spirit looks like decorating and cocoa and generosity and a thrill of hope. But what does Easter spirit look like?

I think we might be a little bit like these eaten bunnies. We're almost there, but we're missing just a bit and that makes us incomplete.

Beauty

2009-04-17T09:34:00.000-04:00

Have you seen this video? (I'm sure you have. Everyone is sharing it.) Susan Boyle, the frumpy and caterpillar-eyebrowed lady in the video shocks the Britain's Got Talent audience by singing beautifully, with strength and unabashed pride. And everyone oohs and ahhs because how could such this voice come from that woman?

The crowd looks around bewildered and shrieks with surprise. Tears well in the judges' eyes and they pronounce her to be one of the best they've ever seen. The hosts convey their shock to the home audience.

This woman, who everyone thought was completely useless and pathetic (she says she's never been kissed!), suddenly has value.

Wait. Why do we feel as if Ms. Boyle is a joke until she proves otherwise? Why is her sin of homeliness only redeemed by her great talent? Why do the audience, the judges, the hosts, and even some of us find such glee in being surprised that this woman is a real person with real value?

Why do we act like she is nothing until she is something?

I thank you, Ms. Boyle, not only for sharing your lovely voice, but for also giving us a tangible reminder of the fact that we are desperately broken.

Help us, loving God, to see people as you see them.

Hopeful Things

2009-04-15T09:17:00.000-04:00

Today, with the scent of fresh blooms in the air and good songs on the radio, I realized that I am nothing but hopeful.

I am letting go of all of my self-doubt, frustration, disappointment, fear, sarcasm and bitterness.

I am choosing to be faithful, and more so, hopeful. A few things that make me hopeful...

My first dandelion of spring.

Beauty in surprising places (like a pollen-filled puddle).

...and the sweet, heavy smell of wild flowers in the trees.

For what are you hopeful? What is keeping you looking forward?

Blessings, friends, of beauty, peace, and hope eternal.

Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.

Pleasure in Toil

2009-04-01T10:26:00.000-04:00

If I look out the door, across the hall, and out the window, I can see naked tree limbs growing green buds. It is spring. It is also National Poetry Month, Keep America Beautiful Month, National Mathematics Education Month, and International Guitar Month. Today is April Fool’s Day. It is Wednesday, one of the two weekdays I spend in the office. I have a long list of things that I need to get done today, mostly school related. I am preparing to move.

Sometimes our days are so full of activities and labels that the day (and then days) passes in a blur. One day is indistinguishable from the others.

I want my days to be special. I want to celebrate and enjoy this time while I have it. However, I am the first to fall into the trap of distraction.

The book of Ecclesiastes says, "I know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live; moreover, it is God's gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil."

That said, what do you do to find a balance between getting everything done and enjoying your life? How do you "take pleasure in all [your] toil?"

Marked Doorposts

2009-03-20T13:27:00.000-04:00

Then Moses called all the elders of Israel and said to them, ‘Go, select lambs for your families, and slaughter the passover lamb. Take a bunch of hyssop, dip it in the blood that is in the basin, and touch the lintel and the two doorposts with the blood in the basin. None of you shall go outside the door of your house until morning. For the Lord will pass through to strike down the Egyptians; when he sees the blood on the lintel and on the two doorposts, the Lord will pass over that door and will not allow the destroyer to enter your houses to strike you down. You shall observe this rite as a perpetual ordinance for you and your children. When you come to the land that the Lord will give you, as he has promised, you shall keep this observance. And when your children ask you, “What do you mean by this observance?” you shall say, “It is the passover sacrifice to the Lord, for he passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt, when he struck down the Egyptians but spared our houses.” And the people bowed down and worshipped.

The Israelites went and did just as the Lord had commanded Moses and Aaron.

Exodus 12:21-28 (NRSV)

For many Christians, the Passover narrative in Exodus is simply a relic of Jewish history. However, in our hasty glance over the story, we miss a great deal. We miss our first salvation story.

The book of Exodus records the story of the Israelites escaping the bondage of slavery and eventually finding their way through the desert to the land chosen for them by God. The book, and our focal passage, has clearly been pieced together by various editors throughout history. Exodus 12:21-28 reflects influence from a variety of sources. Prior to the events of the narrative found in our passage, Moses had been unsuccessfully working to have Pharaoh release the Israelites from their slavery. Chapters 11 and 12 of Exodus detail the events surrounding the final plague, the death of the first born sons and cattle of Egypt. Exodus 12:21-28 recounts Moses passing on the instructions he received from the Lord (found in Exodus 12:1-20) that would prevent the destroyer from killing the Israelite firstborns.

Verses 21-22 require believers to kill a lamb and spread its blood on the frame of the door of their houses. The elders are told to use hyssop, a plant commonly found in religious rituals, to spread the blood. It is interesting that the elders have no direct contact with the blood because the law later explained that touching blood would render one “unclean.”
An important and mysterious character, “the destroyer” enters the story in verse 23. There is no mention of the destroyer, or angel of death, when God explains what is going to happen to Moses in 12:12. The same word is used in 2 Samuel 24:15-17 and 2 Kings 19:32-37, both examples of punishment.

Moses details to the elders Passover will be commemorated in future years in verses 24-27. Interestingly, after the first Passover, the holy day was probably never observed the same way again. Modern Jews, with the exception of Samaritan Jews, do not use blood in their service at all. Instead, they hold a symbolic meal with specific food and prayers to remember the first Passover.

Verse 28 concludes Moses’ instructions to the elders. This small piece of narration confirms that the people did indeed follow through on the commands given them. It also segues into the next section which continues narrating the events of the final plague of Egypt, where all of the first born sons of humans and cattle are indeed killed.

We have an important lesson to learn from our Jewish friends. The memory of those people extends far beyond even their own lifetime. Jonathan Safron Foer, a popular Jewish author, explains that Jews have a sixth sense of memory.[1] They ask themselves, “What does it remember like?”[2] Christians, however, have largely forgotten their salvation event. Not only do we lose the beautiful significance of our individual salvation stories, but we also have misplaced the stories of our salvation as a people, before Jesus came. Walter Brueggemann writes “Christians, like Jews, are children of these marked door posts…children of this hurried bread…”[3]

We must remember that God has been active throughout history saving humanity, saving us, for this time. As you brush the dust off the story of your first salvation, take a deep breath, and remember.

[1] Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated (New York: Perennial, 2003), 198.
[2] Ibid., 199.
[3] Walter Brueggemann, “Exodus,” The New Interpreter’s Bible Commentary: Vol. 1, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1994), 779.

I would like to hear your salvation story. Share with us in the comments please.

"If this is the worst thing that happens...

2009-03-11T15:24:00.000-04:00

...we'll make it through." I feel like that has become the catchphrase of my life. I've said it countless times recently, to friends, family, myself. In this fallen world in which we live, there is no avoiding the pain and suffering that will eventually come. Our lives just explode.

Sometimes we feel more like Esau than Jacob.

I am learning an important lesson though. It's one of those things I can't quite wrap my brain around, but I know it is true. The good or bad things in our lives do not mean that God does or does not love us.

Thus far, 2009 has probably been one of the most difficult years of my life. Yet despite all of the small explosions in my life, I am more confident in God's love and care than ever. It isn't because everything has magically worked out or because I'm seeing rainbows. It is because I am not alone.

Faith breeds faith. There doesn't have to be a light at the end of the tunnel. If this is the worst thing that happens, we'll make it through.

Strings

2009-03-04T09:04:00.000-05:00

Relationships are funny, aren't they? We're all very aware of the strings that bind us to one another and also bind us to doing the things we think are right in a given situation. For instance, my friend got engaged yesterday. As soon as she told me, I automatically knew the questions I had to ask. (When? How? What does your ring look like?)

We know what we're supposed to say or do to cultivate relationships.

The funny thing is though, sometimes these rules hold us back, and we're not cultivating relationships. We cultivate facades of relationships. There are questions we want to ask or things we need to say, that we don't because we're afraid of causing tension or awkwardness or anger in our relationship. When was the last time you asked someone if he/she is truly happy? Or if she is healthy (physically, emotionally, spiritually)? When was the last time you asked how he is with God?

There is this level of detachment and politeness that we think we owe to one another. But we're wrong. Romans 13:8-10 says, "Owe no one anything, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. The commandments 'You shall not commit adultery; You shall not murder; You shall not steal; You shall not covet"; and any other commandment, are summed up in this word, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore, love is the fulfilling of the law."

Love means being honest and open. Love means asking difficult questions and wrestling with difficult answers. Love is walking with someone through the valley of the shadow of death. And being able to talk about it.

Questions

2009-02-25T09:15:00.000-05:00

I was reading a blog I read and I came across a list of questions. Real, honest, reflective questions. I'm going to copy them on here and add a few of my own. Pick a couple and answer them. You can make up a name if you want to be anonymous. I'd like to read your answers. I'll answer some myself down in the comments.

1. What do I wish to be remembered for?
2. Is this really as good as it gets?
3. How was it that I could be so successful, so fortunate, and yet so frustratingly unfulfilled?
4. If your life was absolutely perfect, how would it look to you?
5. What is my passion?
6. How am I wired?
7. Where do I belong?
8. What will I do about what I believe?
9. Who am I?
10. What do I value?
11. What gifts has God given me? How can I use them?
12. What would I be willing to die for?
13. What injustices do I see in the world, that I simply cannot stomach anymore?
14. What is it about my life that makes me feel trapped?
15. When you are in bed at night staring at the ceiling, what questions are you asking yourself?
16. Where is God working in my life?
17. What what parts of myself am I uncomfortable?

Plans

2009-02-13T13:25:00.000-05:00

"Table for Two" by Caedmon's Call (from the album 40 Acres)

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,
Talkin' 'bout soccer
And how every man's just the same
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around

But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For her to call

Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

I've always loved this song. Especially these last lines. I so often get caught up in my own ideas and plans and fail to consult God. Other times, I'm so stressed about how everything is going to work out that I lose sight of the fact that God is in control. What insightful words to sing in my head this afternoon...

focusing

2009-02-11T09:26:00.000-05:00

I am an extraordinarily distracted person. At any given moment, my brain is whirling in 33 different directions, like pennies rolling on their sides across a floor. If we're talking and I keep glancing away, it isn't because I have a hard time with eye contact. It's because something else caught my attention. And gosh, I'm sorry.

I hate that about myself. It is genuinely difficult for me to pay attention and truly focus on something or someone. I don't want to make any ADD excuses for myself because really, I think it is my own fault (not to illegitimize people who truly do struggle with ADD or ADHD, that is real. I do not have it.).

There is some kind of war going on around us, I think. So many things vying for our attention that we cannot think straight. Can't think in complete sentences.

Paying attention to people is a spiritual discipline, one I need to develop. I wonder, in a Screwtape Letters fashion, how much of my distraction is the result of evil forces in the world? Do I fall into the trap of meandering thoughts because someone else is trying to make it difficult for me to focus on other people and on God? Or am I just lazy and selfish?

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh ME?

2009-02-06T09:09:00.000-05:00

So I was reading in Ecclesiastes and I came across these verses, "For the fate of humans and the fate of animals is the same; as one dies, so dies the other. They all have the same breath, and humans have no advantage over the animals; for all is vanity. All go to one place; all are from the dust, and all turn to dust again. Who knows whether the human spirit goes upward and the spirit of animals goes downward to the earth?" (Ecclesiastes 3:19-21)

The author of Ecclesiastes is explaining that human life is brief, meaningless, and a mystery. In these particular verses, he wants to explain that really, our lives are not any more important than the lives of animals. The point is that we are all born, we breathe the same oxygen for our duration on earth, and then our bodies die and rot away. He adds, who even knows that animals don't have an afterlife? (Maybe All Dogs DO go to Heaven!)

So what say ye? Are humans and animals equal? Does the squirrel I ran over last week matter just as much as me? Or is the author of Ecclesiastes just saying that human life is meaningless?

Maybe this explains why I get so depressed at zoos...because I am actually thinking of myself being forced into a cage...

Warriors and Peacemakers

2009-02-04T14:07:00.000-05:00

I like that God calls us to peace. I like that we are to sow unity and reap kindness. I like it when everyone gets along.

When I was a kid, my sisters (I'm the middle) would beat me up. They could be pretty brutal and I would always just take it. My parents used to get frustrated because I wouldn't fight back; I remember them saying, "JUST HIT HER BACK AND SHE'LL STOP!" I couldn't do it. I hated it.

So I like this nice, safe, peaceful God. And I am conflicted when I read passages like Joel 3.

Proclaim this among the nations: Prepare war, stir up the warriors. Let all the soldiers draw near, let them come up. Beat your ploughshares into swords, and your pruning-hooks into spears; let the weakling say, ‘I am a warrior.’ Joel 3:9-10

I say no. Don't stir up the warriors, let the soldiers stay at home, leave your peaceful farm equipment as it is, and let the weakling just be a weakling. Let peace reign.

I am learning though, that sometimes people need a champion. At the time that Joel wrote this passage, Israel needed to know that God would fight for them. They needed a warrior.

And I have to let God be God even when I am not comfortable with a valiant, violent, warrior God. So now we pursue peace knowing that God is not as warm and fuzzy as we'd like.

It reminds me of the famous line in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, when the Beaver, describing Aslan, says, "’Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you."

Despite my predispositions, good does not necessitate safe and sometimes, we all need a warrior in our corner.

Sam and Esther

2009-02-01T14:47:00.000-05:00

I can't figure out how to embed this, so just follow the link to a video on YouTube. Here's the thing. This video absolutely destroys me. My soul aches when I watch this.

But I don't know what to do about it.

Do I go to Africa? Do I quit school? Is it enough to talk about it, to bring others to awareness? I'm not sure. I know that the step towards feeling something is the first right step, but after that, I'm lost.

Thoughts? Questions? Comments? What are you feeling/thinking/hoping for?

Because, good gracious, those kids count just as much as I do. I can't act like there is nothing there. I can't pretend that being sad is enough.

sacrifice

2008-12-17T14:24:00.000-05:00

It always seems like every major holiday develops a new theme each year. I'm not sure if that makes any sense to you, but I find it to be true for me. This particular Christmas, the theme seems to be sacrifice.

Can you imagine what you would be thinking if an angel came to you and told you that all of your life plans were put on hold because you (or your fiancee) were going to have a baby?! It had to feel like God commandeered their lives. Think for just a moment everything that Mary and Joseph gave up to be part of God's plan.

Hopes
Dreams
Reputation
Safety

...erased in the moment of "Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you."

It's a crazy story and a challenging one for me. How far would I go to stay in God's will? What would I give up to be part of God's salvation plan? I'm not sure.

Malaria bites...

2008-12-04T22:22:00.000-05:00

...bite back. In case you haven't already heard, we are raising money to help buy mosquito nets for the kids in Africa who are at risk for contracting malaria. A couple facts:

A kid in Africa dies every 30 seconds from malaria.
3,000 kids die every day.
Malaria is preventable and 100% treatable if caught early enough.
You can fix this.

Consider how you can become an advocate. Think about how you can give sacrificially to save a life. Go to www.biteback.net for more information.

O, God

2008-11-20T23:22:00.000-05:00

This is a beautiful, beautiful poem from a book called Stumbling Toward Faith by Renee Altson. Enjoy.

o god,
your love does pull at me,
if i am silent with myself
i feel it,
as much as i feel my blood, my breath,
it is there, as present with me as my own self.

it terrifies me, this love of yours.
what does it expect in return?
what will it demand of me?
what part of who i am must i sacrifice for it?
how much of me will be lost?

i am afraid of losing what i have left
so much has already been taken away
so much i never gave,
so much i was never able to give
because it was never really mine.

i am afraid that your love will take me apart
that it will undo me, rewrite me,
that it will strip me of my defenses,
my pathetic self-securities,
that it will leave nothing left.

my whole life has been a fear of being nothing.
i have held on to my terror, my shame, my grief,
believing it helped to keep me alive.

what does your love do with my shame?
what does your love do with everything in me that resists it?

and always, the same questions:
where were you in those harsh times? where was your love?

Renee Alton, Stumbling Toward Faith (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004), 97.

On a personal note...

2008-11-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say thank you all so much for all of your support and love, especially this week as I received my license for ministry. It's so exciting and such a blessing to be affirmed over and over again. I am humbled and honored by the opportunity to do life with you as we stumble towards holiness. Sometimes the sacrifice of following God's will seem utterly staggering...but not today. Today I will empty myself. These relationships- with you, and with God make it entirely worth it.

jml

"But we are not among those who shrink back and so are lost, but among those who have faith and so are saved." Hebrews 10:39

Times

2008-11-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

For those of us on the High School Fall Retreat, this song ("Times" by 10th Avenue North) has been on repeat in my head since we heard it. Just thought I'd share:

I know I need you, I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long
I long to feel you, I feel this need for you
and I need to hear you. Is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Now you pulled me near you. When we're close I fear you,
still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done.
Are you done forgiving? Or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending what i've become. What have I become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh.

I hear you say "my love is over, its underneath, its inside, its in between.
The times you doubt me, when you can't feel, the times that you've questioned
'is this for real?' The times you've broken, the times that you mend
The times you hate me and the times that you bend

Well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between, these times you're healing,
and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace.
The times you're hurting, the times that you heal.
The times you go hungry and attempted to steal.
In times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame,
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm. My love I will keep you by my power alone.
I dont care where you've fallen, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you. My love never ends, it never ends.
mmm, mmmoh oh, oh oh, oh oh

(beautiful. and a much needed reminder.)

OpInAMu

2008-10-31T12:55:00.000-04:00

That's what I call Operation InAsMuch in my head...

I just wanted to remind everyone that it is, in fact November 1 tomorrow and that is, in fact Operation InAsMuch. If you signed up for something in your Sunday School class or whenever, don't forget to show up! The getting up early and all the work will be worth it- promise!

Fullness

2008-10-29T13:02:00.000-04:00

There is a holy place back in my hometown. It is a breathless hike up Big Glassy Mountain. The top is a smooth, silver-grey rockface that overlooks what seems like all of the Blue Ridge Mountains. It is always quiet there, for in that place everyone is awed into whispers. There are no guardrails even though falling would mean certain death; rails aren't worth disturbing the perfection. That spot draws me in, like a blackhole. It keeps me settled, like an anchor. Even now, if I could be anywhere in the world, that is where I would be, eating a crisp and tart Gala apple and just being quiet.

In that place, my soul is mixed in with the goodness of creation and I remember that I am equal to the sun-warmed stones and the autumn-dappled trees and the whispers of wind.

I read Psalm 147 and it tells me these same things. God cares for me and for creation and we are intermingled. "He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names." (Psalm 147:3-4)

Something Sweeter than this Sin

2008-10-14T22:19:00.000-04:00

Kendall Payne, who we just heard at the National Youth Workers' Convention. Thoughts? Resonances?

Closer to Myself

Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn
I need to know who and what I am
This hunger jolts me from complacency
Rocks me, makes me meet myself

Jacob walked a limp to remind him
Of the greater gift of the greater One
But when I fell, I fell to my own resources
How can I carry the truth if I can't even crawl to You?

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I want to be
Something closer to myself

Paint me in a different light
Shed me yet another coat of skin
Mark me with ash until I'm clean again
'Cause I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired
I know I can love You, I know that I can

If it were me instead

2008-10-07T22:50:00.001-04:00

Read the last post.

Okay. If I were Paul the apostle, I would have researched everything I could about Jesus. I would write down every impression, every word, every anecdote about Jesus that anyone could remember. I would draw sketches and write poems. I would have tried not to let anything be lost.

If I were Paul I would have said what I meant in addition to meaning what I said. I would speak deliberately and carefully. I would have told people to hold on to goodness, to be aware that they are images of God. I would have spoken humbly.

If I were Paul, I would have written my own story. I would have explained where I was coming from. I would have preserved each of your replies.

"If I Were Paul"

2008-10-02T21:56:00.000-04:00

So one of our brilliant college students sent me this poem because, well, she knows me. It's wonderful. Take a minute and read it. Now.
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Mmmkay. Good, huh? This is like the guts of growing up, becoming a human, living with people. I needed to read it. It got me to thinking of what I would say if I were an apostle writing to people who may or may not get my letter. What would be the most important things to say to someone who needs a word of encouragment, rebuke...humanity? Next post.

cReaTe

2008-09-30T13:55:00.000-04:00

My fingers are itching today to make something. I want to paint a mural all over my bedroom walls or throw some pottery, maybe build something. I am needing to be creative. Unfortunately, all I really have time to do is school work, but I'll probably survive. The point is, this itch to do something special has me thinking about how special God is. God is a much better God than I would be. Think about this- the Creator created us to create.

We are naturally endowed with the gift to do something, to build, or write, or sing, or draw, or take pictures... we are given the opportunity to be bigger than ourselves. God wants us to move outside of our smallness and create something that speaks to the world. We could have been designed simply to do one set task all the same way, but that isn't how God wanted us to be. And that is something beautiful.

Somewhere Holy

2008-09-23T22:41:00.000-04:00

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the desert and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, "I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up."

When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!" And Moses said, "Here I am."

"Do not come any closer," God said. "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground." Then he said, "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God.

Exodus 3:1-6

When was the last time you were somewhere holy? When was the last time you took off your shoes? When was the last time you responded to God, "Here I am?" We need some more moments of holiness.

Know This.

2008-09-16T21:24:00.000-04:00

I was wavering between two topics to write about tonight and then I realized that I was listening to Phil Collins say that he can't stop loving you so I guess that's a sign. Love it is.

We were talking in my New Testament class last night about Paul's letters to the people in Thessalonika. He uses beautiful language to talk to them. He describes their relationship as that of siblings (1 Thess. 2:1), of mother and child (2:7-8), a father and his children (2:11), and he writes that when they were separated from one another he felt like an orphan (2:17). (Quick note: Some of those might not be in your Bible, depending on the translation. It's in the Greek though, promise!) I was overcome, thinking of how much they loved one another, how vulnerable they were in the wake of their relationship. Paul's language means that the Thessalonians were everything to him.

In conversation in class, our professor mentioned that he worked with a congregation that was struggling with the wounds of feeling unloved. All of their needs were being met, but they didn't feel like their pastor truly cared for them. They were broken hearted.

As I sat there, I was flooded with emotion. I kept thinking, "I hope that our students know that they are loved..." I want to use this as an opportunity to make sure that all of you know that you are loved. Not because of your family or because of the way you look or what you add to our group. We love you because you are you and that is enough. I am so glad that I get to work with each of you and I pray tonight that you know how important you are to me. Thank you for letting me be with you.

A Random Thought

2008-09-09T20:31:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the person that I am and why I am the way am I. This is a huge question really, and I'm not sure there is an answer. Here's what I really am thinking about:

Are you the person you are because of your circumstances or would you be the same no matter where you can from?

We were talking about a similar topic in one of my classes today. Our professor said that at the root of it all, people are basically the same. And everyone is just doing the best he/she can. If that's true, and we're essentially all the same, then we are just the result of our environment, right? So what if I were born to abusive parents and I was born addicted to cocaine? Is there any chance that I could be the person that I am now? Maybe a question more easily answered, have most of my moral choices simply been the result of unpresented opportunities?

And where does God play into this?

worship

2008-09-04T19:33:00.000-04:00

"Worship is the submission of all of our nature to God. It is the quickening of the conscience by His holiness; the nourishment of the mind with His truth; the purifying of imagination by His beauty; the opening of the heart to His love; the surrender of will to His purpose- and all of this gathered up in adoration, the most selfless emotion of which our nature is capable."
-Bishop William Temple

I like this definition a lot. It seems like such a challenge, such a call to learn how to adore the right way. I want to learn how to be selfless, I want to be submitted to God. I want to grow and learn.

We've been planning for Northbound and considering what works for you guys and in one of my classes we're talking about how to lead worship...and so I want to know what worship is like for you. Are you connected to God when we worship together? What aspects of worship do you like? What do you dislike? Tell me about your favorite worship experiences.

Back in Action.

2008-08-26T22:52:00.000-04:00

To inaugurate the new school year and initiate the new regularity of posts, I'd like to have a little conversation. Which means you will leave a response so I'm not just talking to myself.

I would like to ask the question, "What is Christianity like?" What is your analogy to describe this beautiful, difficult, scary, challenging, worth it faith that we've attached ourselves to? Is it a worldview? A stew? A cake? A language?

For me, I think of Christianity as a game. I certainly don't mean to trivialize our faith, I just think that this analogy works. Think about it for a second. In a game, you have your equipment for playing (Bible, worship, etc.), your rules (your theology), different people will develop different techniques for playing (different beliefs, ways of worship)...it goes on and on. One of the interesting things about this analogy is that sometimes, when you're playing a game, it doesn't make sense to anyone but the players (Whimsical Donkey, anyone?). Similarly, to those on the outside, sometimes Christianity doesn't make sense until you get in the game. Also, you can know all the rules, even be an expert, but that doesn't mean you actually play. I think a lot of Christians are like that...

So what is your analogy? I really want to hear. For you, what is Christianity like?

Tonight...

2008-08-06T12:05:00.000-04:00

...is going to be good stuff. I know this is short notice but I just wanted to remind everyone that tonight at 6:30 in the chapel is the Contemporary Worship Service led by you guys! An amalgamation of our bands will be playing and I'll be bringing a message. We would love love love to have you all come out and support us and rep the Student Ministry. Get excited. And bring a friend.

Needful.

2008-07-29T15:37:00.000-04:00

So, hey, been a while, huh? Who knew that the summer would be so busy? The state of my life right now has a Jars of Clay song on my heart... let me share the lyrics with you.

"Needful Hands"
by Jars of Clay

For those under the clouds
Starring up in awesome wonder
As tears come slowly down
I'm reaching up a needful hand

[Chorus:]

You are my eyes when I cannot see
You are my voice, see, sing through me
You are my strength in weakness be

(Holy)

To find that I could fall
And still your grace surrounds, pursuing
To freely stumble down
I feel your hands around my heart

[Chorus]

You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands

Could be that you are in a similar position. Let's lift needful hands together.

Look.

2008-07-08T14:38:00.000-04:00

Hey guys,
I know you might have already received the official Student Ministry plug about next week's goings on, but I wanted you to hear it from me.

Next week, every morning from 9:00 until 11:30 we will be teaching an intensive course on the New Testament. Matt and I have been planning and we've created a pretty interesting syllabus so next week will include everything from theories of authorship about the books to apocalyptic prophecy... from the politics of the early Christian church to the theology of the Trinity. Also, next Tuesday afternoon, for those interested, we'll have a chance to go see the Dead Sea Scrolls at the Museum of Natural History. This is something to get excited about.

For most of you, what will be taught next week will be an entirely new world. It's a big world, this world where academics and religion meet. You might hear a few things that stretch your mind or make you ask some questions. That's what we want. I want you to be mature, well-informed Christians. I want you to know who this Jesus is that you claim to believe in. I want you to come look.

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance."

Proverbs 1:5

Labels Stink.

2008-06-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

My friend Megan and I were looking through a magazine together once and she asked me if I would ever (hypothetically) date the guy that was in one of the pictures. He was kind of an emo-rocker guy that wore girl jeans and black eyeliner, and he was pretty good looking so I said yes.

Megan: But sometimes you dress kind of preppy or all cutesy. You couldn't date him, you wouldn't match.

Me: Why do we have to match? If I like someone, I shouldn't care if we look right together.

The World: YES, JENNY. You have to match your friends, you have to fit into this mold. If you wear a polo shirt and pearls, you're preppy. If you wear Chacos and thrift store clothes, you're granola. If you wear black, you're gothic. You know the rules.

Well, turns out, I'm sick of the rules. I'm not going to choose who I want to be and put on the costumes. I'm going to find out who I am, and I'm going to do it because I want to.

I think this is what Jesus wants me to do.

family/famille/familia/familie

2008-06-10T14:45:00.000-04:00

I had this thing today, this interview for one of my classes next semester. It is kind of a long story, but the point here is that we talked about theology and families for a really long time. It was an interesting conversation that got me thinking about how we here, as a church family, define the idea of "family." Here are my thoughts:

Individual families should reflect the definition of the church. We should be living out love, gentleness, kindness, generosity, and patience as we work to achieve a common goal, that of the best possible life. We should be ministers to one another.

Scripture makes it clear that families are incredibly important. God put each of us in a family for a reason. One of my favorite explanations of family is found in John 19:26-27, When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, "Woman, here is your son," and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

Jesus loved his mother. He wanted to know that she would be cared for. We are to do the same for our families.

So what about you guys? How do you define 'family?' What is your favorite thing about your biological family? Your church family?

Question.

2008-06-03T22:17:00.000-04:00

Someone told me once that when we read books or see movies with a really exciting storyline (we were actually talking about Harry Potter at the time), that it is dangerous for us as Christians because it can make the story of Jesus' death and resurrection seem less exciting.

I think that argument is tenuous at best but it does raise an interesting point. What happens when we start thinking that the Easter story is commonplace? I've been hearing the story my whole life. Am I in danger of forgetting how important it is?

What do you guys think? When is the Easter story most exciting to you? Is it ever?

Potential.

2008-05-30T14:39:00.000-04:00

You know how when you're little your parents tell you you can be anything when you grow up? I really thought I would be the first woman president. People still tease me about it, actually. I was so sure that, as a fourth grader, I could fix all of our nation's problems. Ask me about my plan to correct the national deficit. It's pretty good, I think.

The point here is that your parents probably lied. You can't be anything you want to be. There was never a point in my life at which it was possible for me to be a prima ballerina, no matter how hard I tried. I'm not terribly graceful or rhythmic and I definitely don't have the body. Even now, I've accepted that I'm not going to be the president. I'm not going to sing for huge audiences, I'm not going to be a race car driver, I'm not going to be the queen of an Eastern European nation.

But I am the child of God. And I am going to recognize that his ways are higher, his plans are better. I could become a lot of things in this world, but none are going to bring the satisfaction of being in God's will.

I can only hope to fulfill my spiritual potential.

On Purpose

2008-05-09T13:31:00.000-04:00

I'm wondering today about what it means to live intentionally. I think so much of how I live my life is the result of me just stumbling into things. I very rarely go out of my way to do something on purpose. I just kind of go through my life, doing the things I'm supposed to do and waiting for everything to work out.

I'm beginning to think this is not how Jesus did life.

The gospels are full of references to Jesus doing things on purpose.

Luke 9:51, "As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem."
John 4:4, "Now he had to go through Samaria."

There are lots more examples. I don't think that I am as aware as Jesus was of my purpose on earth. But I do think I have a divine calling. So I wonder why it is that I just let my life happen to me. Why do I not resolutely set out? Why don't I have anywhere I have to go?

Why do I let myself off the hook?

Should I not love people, love God, and love myself on purpose?

Sniffing Glue in a Good Way...

2008-05-06T22:37:00.000-04:00

I love books. The smell of glue, the heavy feel of each leaf between my thumb and index finger. Reading taught me who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I could be. Some of my best friends and teachers have been characters in books. Today I joined the public library and as I roamed the aisles selecting my books, I was positively giddy with all the potential I could feel humming through the room.

I know it sounds weird and probably only a handful of you can understand what I'm talking about but I am unendingly grateful for being able to read. This is one of the ways that I enjoy creation. This is one of the ways I am reminded that God is good and I am part of this wonderful world.

So I am wondering, what other random, perhaps unusual things help you to remember goodness? What has made you who you are? I'd like to hear.

Ut Oh

2008-05-01T22:49:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while, we really mess up.

Really mess up. And we're frozen in our mistakes and the consequences. This is life.
King David did this once. Actually he probably did it more than once, but I've got one story to tell you.

Here's the skinny: David's hanging out on his roof and sees a beautiful woman. So, he finds out who she is and they have an affair. And then she gets pregnant. Ut-oh. And her husband is out of town fighting in David's army. So David sends Uriah to the front lines of the battle so he'll die. And he does. David's friend and favorite prophet, Nathan, calls David out on his selfishness, his lust, his murder. Nathan tells David that Bathsheba and his baby is going to die. And it does. David's heart is broken. But David and Bathsheba have another baby, named Solomon. And Solomon was great and he later became the king. The result of such heartache...

Good can come from bad. God will forgive and forget even when others can't or won't. Let him.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Showing Up

2008-04-29T21:22:00.000-04:00

My parents, bless them, are not the most punctual people.
Ever.
At all.
I remember countless days from elementary school right through high school sitting on the curb outside school, waiting...feeling embarassed because I was the last one, angry because I was the last one, sad because I was the last one. I would sit on that curb, sometimes sweaty from being out in the sun, sometimes shaking from the cold, always furious that my parents were making me wait and that they did not love me enough to remember to come get me.

And yet every time one or the other eventually showed up.

They always showed up. And I wasn't angry anymore.

I do the same thing with God. Hurt, angry, sad, disappointed because I feel forgotten. I want salvation on my time schedule and when I doesn't happen, I'm left alone on the curb, furious.

But God always shows up.

A Picture of Me

2008-04-22T23:10:00.000-04:00

A favorite song by a favorite band. (Piece of Glass by Caedmon's Call) It's about mirrors and self image. Thoughts?

Can’t believe that I did it again
Wake me up from this nightmare
‘Cause this monster is filling me up filling me out

Everyday I live a bit less; one night leads to another
Even if I went back they would recognize me or criticize me

Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can't rely.
After all you're just a piece of glass.

Still this nightmare's all mine, when I call him he answers
I can tell him when to come, when to stay
Sometimes I'm weaker than he is, is he just letting me win
He can tell me when to come, when to stay

Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can't rely. After all you're just a piece of glass.

Don’t talk, listen
Hold me tighter
Stay with me just for a while
Until the sun shines stay with me
Just give me one more day

Who are you that cries when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause we're not the same, you're just a picture of me
You’re gone as soon as I leave; you've lived my life for me
And you're no more than a piece of glass
You're no more than just a piece of glass

Mental Health Day

2008-04-18T09:45:00.000-04:00

Let me preface this post with an apology for being late. I had way too much to do last night... Oh, the irony!

I know you guys are super-busy with school and your friends and life in general. I remember those pre-college days when I wouldn't get home until 9:30 and I still had homework to do. (Sidenote: college is great! Class starts at 1, lasts an hour...)

What I'm trying to say here is that I can totally relate to feeling like you're being pulled in a zillion different directions. The hard part about it all is that no one seems to understand how important it is to be alone and be quiet for just a little while. Everyone wants something from you.

So does God.

He wants you to be still. He wants you to take a deep breath and look at the wonderful things around you. The Psalms tell us to be still often. "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10). Call it a Mental Health Day, call it a mental break down, just take some time for you. To explore yourself and to explore God. It might be a little scary to take a good, hard look at yourself but it's worth it. It's necessary. Be Still.

six senses

2008-04-15T22:29:00.001-04:00

I find this passage in a novel I like (Everything is Illuminated) by an author I like (Jonathan Safran Foer):

"Jews Have Six Senses

Touch, taste, sight, smell, hearing...memory. While Gentiles experience and process the world through the traditional senses, and use memory only as a second-order means of interpreting events, for Jews memory is no less primary than the prick of pin, or its silver glimmer, or the taste of the blood it pulls from the finger. The Jew is pricked by a pin and remembers other pins. It is only by tracing the pinprick back to other pinpricks- when his mother tried to fix his sleeve while his arm was still in it, when his grandfather's fingers fell asleep from stroking his great-grandfather's damp forehead, when Abraham tested the knife point to be sure Isaac would feel no pain- that the Jew is able to know why it hurts.

When a Jew encounters a pin, he asks: What does it remember like?"

I like that quite a lot. I want to find my identity, my understanding of the world, in the across-time story of humanity. I want to remember like I see (or better, really; I'm pretty blind) or hear or taste.

I think that this is the kind of remembering we should be doing when we take communion or are baptized. We are to know Jesus and ourselves through doing the very tasks he did. We are to understand the texture of the bread and the tart of the wine and the chill of the water because Jesus did so first.

Yes, I like that quite a lot.

Also, there's a good little conversation going on in the comments from two posts ago- the one entitled "Identity, Honesty, and Huck Finn." Go check it out and join in!

Ring, sing, cling, and ting

2008-04-10T23:25:00.000-04:00

A little background... April is National Poetry Month and one of my favorite blogs is posting poems each day. Today's poem is from a 9 year old named Ella Gottschild:

"A Wonderful World"
This is a scared time because I fear
That this is a story of a very famous tear.
And it is like the big bright stars
At wonderful, fun, and cool Mars.
And at the beach the nice shells
Ring, sing, cling, and ting like bells.
It’s a wonderful sight
Of some wonderful light.
And this sounds like a weird world.
But it is a wonderful world.

Nine seems like a faraway place but I guess it isn't. Because I feel the same way a lot.

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:2-4

Identity, Honesty, and Huck Finn

2008-04-08T22:09:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking the last couple weeks about how well two people can really know each other. I'm not sure how theological this question is but I think that a lot of how we understand God is learned from our relationships with others, so maybe more so than I think.

Anyway, the question is this: how well can two people know one another? I have one friend who I think probably knows me better than anyone else, and yet, I think he probably knows who I am far better than how I am. (An important, if confusing, distinction. The person I am versus the things I do or how I react.)

This isn't necessarily a question of us building walls to hold others out- it's just the fact that there are parts of ourselves that cannot be revealed to others. It isn't a lie of identity so much as a question of self-knowledge.

And if we cannot truly be ourselves with others, can we be ourselves with God? (Not that God doesn't already know who we are.) But can we be completely honest with God if we aren't always sure what honesty is?

Huck Finn says you can't pray a lie. But is it always that black and white?

Um, who's ready for Spring Break?

2008-03-27T22:22:00.001-04:00

Hello my dearies!
We're closing in on Saturday which means, of course, CHARLESTON!!!! (Sorry to any adults/middle schoolers out there!) I know that you guys are excited about just getting away, but I hope that you're also thinking and praying about your experiences over the week. We'll be studying the ideas of oppression and injustice throughout the week and I want to give you guys a couple verses of scripture to begin looking at... call it homework-

Micah 6:8- "He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

Isaiah 1:17- "Learn to do good; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow."

What is God asking of us in these verses? Are we (the church) being successful?

See you Saturday :)

mean reds

2008-03-25T22:23:00.000-04:00

My right contact won't stay still and it hurts. My hair is air drying and getting poofier by the second. I'm cold and tired and don't feel like doing the 836 things on my To-Do list. I'm too busy to read the book I borrowed from a friend and my thoughts are buzzing around my head like gnats.

And I'm wondering what happened to my Easter joy.

And feeling guilty about it.

What is it that causes us to go through the cycles of spiritual highs and lows?

Everyone does it, right? You know how it goes... the "mountain top" experience which tapers into a dry spell. Tonight isn't really a dry spell, but I'm just feeling whiny and sick of everything. I am wondering though, what is it about humans that we can't quite keep up our spiritual momentum. Thoughts?

P.S. If you don't know what the mean reds are, you should watch "Breakfast at Tiffany's." It's a classic!

Good Friday (on Saturday)

2008-03-22T22:46:00.000-04:00

In answer to Patrick's question a couple days ago, the ironic-seeming title Good Friday probably originated from the ancient name for the day, God's Friday. And yet, it seems somehow fitting that we would call this day "good". Despite the injustice and the horror, it was and is our only chance for salvation. It is a day of bright sadness methinks.

Tie-dyed Fingers

2008-03-19T11:53:00.000-04:00

So something has been on my mind lately. Something someone said a couple days ago.

we are an easter people.

I'm seeing Easter in a whole new way this year. Not as a child, not as a consumer. But as a woman of God who is defined by the events of a weekend. As a creation who was molded by hands that were nailed to a cross.

One of my professors told us yesterday of the Easter tradition of his church. The sanctuary is draped in black cloth from Maundy Thursday to Sunday morning and as the ministers process in, they rip down the cloth, singing "Victory in Jesus."

Easter isn't about chocolate bunnies, not about my multi-colored fingers from dyeing eggs, and not about new dresses and suits. It's about an empty tomb.

Victory in Jesus, my Savior forever,

He sought me and bought me

with His redeeming blood.

He loved me e're I knew Him

and all my love is due Him.

He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood.

dad.

2008-03-13T21:57:00.000-04:00

So I'm thinking about families today. I have a great family, even if they're pretty insane a lot of the time. I'm guessing that you would probably say that your family is a little crazy too and if not, I'm going to think it anyway so I don't have to acknowledge that my family is kooky.

Anyway, moving on, I've always heard that when people hear that God is their Father, it makes them think of their biological father. And in many ways, people superimpose their idea of their biological father on God. Whether you have a great dad or not, he is not God. Don't limit God with the limits your own father has. God is 100% good, 100% loving. He is never grouchy or short-tempered or overbearing or anything else that your dad can be. A lot of people don't have a father. Or they hate the father they do have. There is another Father that wants desperately to care for you. He is comforting and kind. He will desire and pursue you. He loves you.

(* This entry seems kind of down on earthly fathers. It was certainly not intended to! I love my Daddy a lot. But I'm also pretty sure that he would agree with what I've written.)

citizen x

2008-03-11T23:06:00.000-04:00

So we had a lecturer at school today who is very involved in the political and religious arena. My own politics were very much challenged by reading one of his books and just being around him made me reconsider the American political situation. In one of our conversations today, the question arose about our generation's politics. Obviously there is tremendous support for Barak Obama coming from our generation, but I wonder why? (I am not endorsing any candidate here, by the way, I just want some feedback!)

Where are you guys politically? Do you hate all political conversation? Are you a news fiend, checking for updates regularly? Another big question we had today was about the media. Do you trust the media to give you true accounts of the world's events? Do you care? Are you involved? Why or why not? I would really like to hear some ideas on this topic because it is one that I don't have answers to. How are we, as Christians, called to live out our citizenship?

a poem

2008-03-07T00:18:00.000-05:00

by one of my favs, Gerard Manley Hopkins:

"Pied Beauty"

GLORY be to God for dappled things—
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough;
And áll trádes, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.

I was out west for a couple days this week and I was reminded of this poem. The landscape was breathtaking. So much of what we praise is the obvious, glorious beauty of creation. I'm also glad for the trout. It's pretty wonderful God work too.

Raspberry Jelly

2008-02-28T22:14:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I made homemade jelly from some berries I picked. It was one of the most wonderfully spiritual experiences of my life. And yes, I'm a mountain girl. This is how we do...

So you're probably thinking right now that you don't care about my foray into the berry picking/ jelly making business but there's a point here. It's coming.

I found God in the raspberry patch. Here's how:

When you pick raspberries, you look for the blackest ones. The thing is though, that the black ones might be in a cluster of all red ones, and there, in the midst of what looks like unuseful berries, will be the best one of all.

As you venture into the patch, you might start on the fringes, getting the easily accessible berries. After you get all those, you have to climb in, in all the briars and brambles and stickers, and start picking where its a little painful.

It always seems that the best berries are just out of reach. You can see them, but you can't quite pluck them from the plant. You can always go farther.

As you make your retreat from the berry patch, you might have a few scatches on your hands and arms, maybe a thorn in your finger, a few berries smushed into your clothes, and a heck of a feeling of self-satisfaction.

And thus I make a mundane task an experience with God. He's in the small things.

This reminds me of some of my most favorite Scripture, from 1 Kings 19:11-13. So our boy Elijah is out in the wilderness and he's told to go stand out on the mountain because the Lord is going to pass by. So he does (smart boy!) Okay, so Elijah's waiting for God and there comes a "great and powerful wind" but God is not in the wind. And then comes an earthquake, and a tremendous fire, but God is in neither of those. And then comes a "gentle whisper."

And God is in the whisper.

Be open to the small things.

You knew it was coming...

2008-02-26T22:39:00.000-05:00

...the inevitable dating post! It's high time I write about the one topic that everyone between the ages of 4 and 102 thinks about many times a day- the opposite sex.

I'm pretty sure that there is something inside most people that compells them to feel a deep, insatiable need to find love (or at least like) from someone not in their family. (Those within the family... a whole different story and this isn't West Virginia. ) Anyway, so we've established that we all feel the need to be loved. The question is how...

Now I'm probably not really the person to give lots of advice on this subject but I can tell you some definite mistakes I've made and seen others make:

1) dating people that don't love God - seems like an insignificant problem until you have a broken heart and you and God aren't where you were. Why would you want to date someone who isn't good for you eternally?
2) dating people you know you would never even want to marry. Um, hello? Biggest waste of time ever... and congratulations, another broken heart.
3) dating someone who doesn't like your friends (unless your friends are jerks.) A good way to end up without a date and without friends
4) dating someone who doesn't like your parents or vice versa. They're your parents. Forever. Find someone who will respect them and will be worthy of their respect.
5) dating someone who doesn't have the same priorities as you. Life isn't perfect and there are going to be problems, but at least aim for the same goals.
6) dating just to be dating. I've spent the bulk of my datable years single. It isn't always fun but it is better than dating someone just because its the thing to do. It's okay to be single.
7) dating someone who plays games (I don't mean xbox). Games that leave you wondering where you stand and make your heart ache. Boys and girls who play games don't stop playing games just because you're officially together.

Okay, so those are my basic guidelines. Maybe they aren't yours but I think they're probably pretty reasonable. I've spent a fair amount of time playing safe to avoid a broken heart and I wouldn't advise that (you just end up lonely) but I would advise being responsible with your heart and with your love. You're worth it.