sacrifice

It always seems like every major holiday develops a new theme each year. I'm not sure if that makes any sense to you, but I find it to be true for me. This particular Christmas, the theme seems to be sacrifice.

Can you imagine what you would be thinking if an angel came to you and told you that all of your life plans were put on hold because you (or your fiancee) were going to have a baby?! It had to feel like God commandeered their lives. Think for just a moment everything that Mary and Joseph gave up to be part of God's plan.

Hopes
Dreams
Reputation
Safety

...erased in the moment of "Greetings, favored one! The Lord is with you."

It's a crazy story and a challenging one for me. How far would I go to stay in God's will? What would I give up to be part of God's salvation plan? I'm not sure.

Malaria bites...

...bite back. In case you haven't already heard, we are raising money to help buy mosquito nets for the kids in Africa who are at risk for contracting malaria. A couple facts:

• A kid in Africa dies every 30 seconds from malaria.
• 3,000 kids die every day.
• Malaria is preventable and 100% treatable if caught early enough.
• You can fix this.

Consider how you can become an advocate. Think about how you can give sacrificially to save a life. Go to www.biteback.net for more information.

O, God

This is a beautiful, beautiful poem from a book called Stumbling Toward Faith by Renee Altson. Enjoy.

o god,
your love does pull at me,
if i am silent with myself
i feel it,
as much as i feel my blood, my breath,
it is there, as present with me as my own self.

it terrifies me, this love of yours.
what does it expect in return?
what will it demand of me?
what part of who i am must i sacrifice for it?
how much of me will be lost?

i am afraid of losing what i have left
so much has already been taken away
so much i never gave,
so much i was never able to give
because it was never really mine.

i am afraid that your love will take me apart
that it will undo me, rewrite me,
that it will strip me of my defenses,
my pathetic self-securities,
that it will leave nothing left.

my whole life has been a fear of being nothing.
i have held on to my terror, my shame, my grief,
believing it helped to keep me alive.

what does your love do with my shame?
what does your love do with everything in me that resists it?

and always, the same questions:
where were you in those harsh times? where was your love?

Renee Alton, Stumbling Toward Faith (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004), 97.

On a personal note...

I just wanted to say thank you all so much for all of your support and love, especially this week as I received my license for ministry. It's so exciting and such a blessing to be affirmed over and over again. I am humbled and honored by the opportunity to do life with you as we stumble towards holiness. Sometimes the sacrifice of following God's will seem utterly staggering...but not today. Today I will empty myself. These relationships- with you, and with God make it entirely worth it.

jml

"But we are not among those who shrink back and so are lost, but among those who have faith and so are saved." Hebrews 10:39

Times

For those of us on the High School Fall Retreat, this song ("Times" by 10th Avenue North) has been on repeat in my head since we heard it. Just thought I'd share:

I know I need you, I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long
I long to feel you, I feel this need for you
and I need to hear you. Is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh

Now you pulled me near you. When we're close I fear you,
still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done.
Are you done forgiving? Or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending what i've become. What have I become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh.

I hear you say "my love is over, its underneath, its inside, its in between.
The times you doubt me, when you can't feel, the times that you've questioned
'is this for real?' The times you've broken, the times that you mend
The times you hate me and the times that you bend

Well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between, these times you're healing,
and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace.
The times you're hurting, the times that you heal.
The times you go hungry and attempted to steal.
In times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame,
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm. My love I will keep you by my power alone.
I dont care where you've fallen, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you. My love never ends, it never ends.
mmm, mmmoh oh, oh oh, oh oh


(beautiful. and a much needed reminder.)

OpInAMu

That's what I call Operation InAsMuch in my head...

I just wanted to remind everyone that it is, in fact November 1 tomorrow and that is, in fact Operation InAsMuch. If you signed up for something in your Sunday School class or whenever, don't forget to show up! The getting up early and all the work will be worth it- promise!

Fullness

There is a holy place back in my hometown. It is a breathless hike up Big Glassy Mountain. The top is a smooth, silver-grey rockface that overlooks what seems like all of the Blue Ridge Mountains. It is always quiet there, for in that place everyone is awed into whispers. There are no guardrails even though falling would mean certain death; rails aren't worth disturbing the perfection. That spot draws me in, like a blackhole. It keeps me settled, like an anchor. Even now, if I could be anywhere in the world, that is where I would be, eating a crisp and tart Gala apple and just being quiet.

In that place, my soul is mixed in with the goodness of creation and I remember that I am equal to the sun-warmed stones and the autumn-dappled trees and the whispers of wind.

I read Psalm 147 and it tells me these same things. God cares for me and for creation and we are intermingled. "He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names." (Psalm 147:3-4)

Something Sweeter than this Sin

Kendall Payne, who we just heard at the National Youth Workers' Convention. Thoughts? Resonances?

Closer to Myself

Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn
I need to know who and what I am
This hunger jolts me from complacency
Rocks me, makes me meet myself

Jacob walked a limp to remind him
Of the greater gift of the greater One
But when I fell, I fell to my own resources
How can I carry the truth if I can't even crawl to You?

I wanna feel something sweeter than this sin
Cover me in leaves roll me over again
I've been everybody else now I want to be
Something closer to myself

Paint me in a different light
Shed me yet another coat of skin
Mark me with ash until I'm clean again
'Cause I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired
I know I can love You, I know that I can

If it were me instead

Read the last post.

Okay. If I were Paul the apostle, I would have researched everything I could about Jesus. I would write down every impression, every word, every anecdote about Jesus that anyone could remember. I would draw sketches and write poems. I would have tried not to let anything be lost.

If I were Paul I would have said what I meant in addition to meaning what I said. I would speak deliberately and carefully. I would have told people to hold on to goodness, to be aware that they are images of God. I would have spoken humbly.

If I were Paul, I would have written my own story. I would have explained where I was coming from. I would have preserved each of your replies.

"If I Were Paul"

So one of our brilliant college students sent me this poem because, well, she knows me. It's wonderful. Take a minute and read it. Now.
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Mmmkay. Good, huh? This is like the guts of growing up, becoming a human, living with people. I needed to read it. It got me to thinking of what I would say if I were an apostle writing to people who may or may not get my letter. What would be the most important things to say to someone who needs a word of encouragment, rebuke...humanity? Next post.

cReaTe

My fingers are itching today to make something. I want to paint a mural all over my bedroom walls or throw some pottery, maybe build something. I am needing to be creative. Unfortunately, all I really have time to do is school work, but I'll probably survive. The point is, this itch to do something special has me thinking about how special God is. God is a much better God than I would be. Think about this- the Creator created us to create.

We are naturally endowed with the gift to do something, to build, or write, or sing, or draw, or take pictures... we are given the opportunity to be bigger than ourselves. God wants us to move outside of our smallness and create something that speaks to the world. We could have been designed simply to do one set task all the same way, but that isn't how God wanted us to be. And that is something beautiful.

Somewhere Holy

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the desert and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, "I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up."

When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, "Moses! Moses!" And Moses said, "Here I am."

"Do not come any closer," God said. "Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground." Then he said, "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob." At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God.

Exodus 3:1-6

When was the last time you were somewhere holy? When was the last time you took off your shoes? When was the last time you responded to God, "Here I am?" We need some more moments of holiness.

Know This.

I was wavering between two topics to write about tonight and then I realized that I was listening to Phil Collins say that he can't stop loving you so I guess that's a sign. Love it is.

We were talking in my New Testament class last night about Paul's letters to the people in Thessalonika. He uses beautiful language to talk to them. He describes their relationship as that of siblings (1 Thess. 2:1), of mother and child (2:7-8), a father and his children (2:11), and he writes that when they were separated from one another he felt like an orphan (2:17). (Quick note: Some of those might not be in your Bible, depending on the translation. It's in the Greek though, promise!) I was overcome, thinking of how much they loved one another, how vulnerable they were in the wake of their relationship. Paul's language means that the Thessalonians were everything to him.

In conversation in class, our professor mentioned that he worked with a congregation that was struggling with the wounds of feeling unloved. All of their needs were being met, but they didn't feel like their pastor truly cared for them. They were broken hearted.

As I sat there, I was flooded with emotion. I kept thinking, "I hope that our students know that they are loved..." I want to use this as an opportunity to make sure that all of you know that you are loved. Not because of your family or because of the way you look or what you add to our group. We love you because you are you and that is enough. I am so glad that I get to work with each of you and I pray tonight that you know how important you are to me. Thank you for letting me be with you.

A Random Thought

I've been thinking a lot lately about the person that I am and why I am the way am I. This is a huge question really, and I'm not sure there is an answer. Here's what I really am thinking about:

Are you the person you are because of your circumstances or would you be the same no matter where you can from?

We were talking about a similar topic in one of my classes today. Our professor said that at the root of it all, people are basically the same. And everyone is just doing the best he/she can. If that's true, and we're essentially all the same, then we are just the result of our environment, right? So what if I were born to abusive parents and I was born addicted to cocaine? Is there any chance that I could be the person that I am now? Maybe a question more easily answered, have most of my moral choices simply been the result of unpresented opportunities?

And where does God play into this?

worship

"Worship is the submission of all of our nature to God. It is the quickening of the conscience by His holiness; the nourishment of the mind with His truth; the purifying of imagination by His beauty; the opening of the heart to His love; the surrender of will to His purpose- and all of this gathered up in adoration, the most selfless emotion of which our nature is capable."
-Bishop William Temple

I like this definition a lot. It seems like such a challenge, such a call to learn how to adore the right way. I want to learn how to be selfless, I want to be submitted to God. I want to grow and learn.

We've been planning for Northbound and considering what works for you guys and in one of my classes we're talking about how to lead worship...and so I want to know what worship is like for you. Are you connected to God when we worship together? What aspects of worship do you like? What do you dislike? Tell me about your favorite worship experiences.

Back in Action.

To inaugurate the new school year and initiate the new regularity of posts, I'd like to have a little conversation. Which means you will leave a response so I'm not just talking to myself.

I would like to ask the question, "What is Christianity like?" What is your analogy to describe this beautiful, difficult, scary, challenging, worth it faith that we've attached ourselves to? Is it a worldview? A stew? A cake? A language?

For me, I think of Christianity as a game. I certainly don't mean to trivialize our faith, I just think that this analogy works. Think about it for a second. In a game, you have your equipment for playing (Bible, worship, etc.), your rules (your theology), different people will develop different techniques for playing (different beliefs, ways of worship)...it goes on and on. One of the interesting things about this analogy is that sometimes, when you're playing a game, it doesn't make sense to anyone but the players (Whimsical Donkey, anyone?). Similarly, to those on the outside, sometimes Christianity doesn't make sense until you get in the game. Also, you can know all the rules, even be an expert, but that doesn't mean you actually play. I think a lot of Christians are like that...

So what is your analogy? I really want to hear. For you, what is Christianity like?

Tonight...

...is going to be good stuff. I know this is short notice but I just wanted to remind everyone that tonight at 6:30 in the chapel is the Contemporary Worship Service led by you guys! An amalgamation of our bands will be playing and I'll be bringing a message. We would love love love to have you all come out and support us and rep the Student Ministry. Get excited. And bring a friend.

Needful.

So, hey, been a while, huh? Who knew that the summer would be so busy? The state of my life right now has a Jars of Clay song on my heart... let me share the lyrics with you.

"Needful Hands"
by Jars of Clay

For those under the clouds
Starring up in awesome wonder
As tears come slowly down
I'm reaching up a needful hand

[Chorus:]

You are my eyes when I cannot see
You are my voice, see, sing through me
You are my strength in weakness be

(Holy)

To find that I could fall
And still your grace surrounds, pursuing
To freely stumble down
I feel your hands around my heart

[Chorus]

You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands

Could be that you are in a similar position. Let's lift needful hands together.

Look.

Hey guys,
I know you might have already received the official Student Ministry plug about next week's goings on, but I wanted you to hear it from me.

Next week, every morning from 9:00 until 11:30 we will be teaching an intensive course on the New Testament. Matt and I have been planning and we've created a pretty interesting syllabus so next week will include everything from theories of authorship about the books to apocalyptic prophecy... from the politics of the early Christian church to the theology of the Trinity. Also, next Tuesday afternoon, for those interested, we'll have a chance to go see the Dead Sea Scrolls at the Museum of Natural History. This is something to get excited about.

For most of you, what will be taught next week will be an entirely new world. It's a big world, this world where academics and religion meet. You might hear a few things that stretch your mind or make you ask some questions. That's what we want. I want you to be mature, well-informed Christians. I want you to know who this Jesus is that you claim to believe in. I want you to come look.

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance."

Proverbs 1:5

Labels Stink.

My friend Megan and I were looking through a magazine together once and she asked me if I would ever (hypothetically) date the guy that was in one of the pictures. He was kind of an emo-rocker guy that wore girl jeans and black eyeliner, and he was pretty good looking so I said yes.

Megan: But sometimes you dress kind of preppy or all cutesy. You couldn't date him, you wouldn't match.

Me: Why do we have to match? If I like someone, I shouldn't care if we look right together.

The World: YES, JENNY. You have to match your friends, you have to fit into this mold. If you wear a polo shirt and pearls, you're preppy. If you wear Chacos and thrift store clothes, you're granola. If you wear black, you're gothic. You know the rules.

Well, turns out, I'm sick of the rules. I'm not going to choose who I want to be and put on the costumes. I'm going to find out who I am, and I'm going to do it because I want to.

I think this is what Jesus wants me to do.

family/famille/familia/familie

I had this thing today, this interview for one of my classes next semester. It is kind of a long story, but the point here is that we talked about theology and families for a really long time. It was an interesting conversation that got me thinking about how we here, as a church family, define the idea of "family." Here are my thoughts:

Individual families should reflect the definition of the church. We should be living out love, gentleness, kindness, generosity, and patience as we work to achieve a common goal, that of the best possible life. We should be ministers to one another.

Scripture makes it clear that families are incredibly important. God put each of us in a family for a reason. One of my favorite explanations of family is found in John 19:26-27, When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, "Woman, here is your son," and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.

Jesus loved his mother. He wanted to know that she would be cared for. We are to do the same for our families.

So what about you guys? How do you define 'family?' What is your favorite thing about your biological family? Your church family?

Question.

Someone told me once that when we read books or see movies with a really exciting storyline (we were actually talking about Harry Potter at the time), that it is dangerous for us as Christians because it can make the story of Jesus' death and resurrection seem less exciting.

I think that argument is tenuous at best but it does raise an interesting point. What happens when we start thinking that the Easter story is commonplace? I've been hearing the story my whole life. Am I in danger of forgetting how important it is?

What do you guys think? When is the Easter story most exciting to you? Is it ever?

Potential.

You know how when you're little your parents tell you you can be anything when you grow up? I really thought I would be the first woman president. People still tease me about it, actually. I was so sure that, as a fourth grader, I could fix all of our nation's problems. Ask me about my plan to correct the national deficit. It's pretty good, I think.

The point here is that your parents probably lied. You can't be anything you want to be. There was never a point in my life at which it was possible for me to be a prima ballerina, no matter how hard I tried. I'm not terribly graceful or rhythmic and I definitely don't have the body. Even now, I've accepted that I'm not going to be the president. I'm not going to sing for huge audiences, I'm not going to be a race car driver, I'm not going to be the queen of an Eastern European nation.

But I am the child of God. And I am going to recognize that his ways are higher, his plans are better. I could become a lot of things in this world, but none are going to bring the satisfaction of being in God's will.

I can only hope to fulfill my spiritual potential.

On Purpose

I'm wondering today about what it means to live intentionally. I think so much of how I live my life is the result of me just stumbling into things. I very rarely go out of my way to do something on purpose. I just kind of go through my life, doing the things I'm supposed to do and waiting for everything to work out.

I'm beginning to think this is not how Jesus did life.

The gospels are full of references to Jesus doing things on purpose.

Luke 9:51, "As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem."
John 4:4, "Now he had to go through Samaria."

There are lots more examples. I don't think that I am as aware as Jesus was of my purpose on earth. But I do think I have a divine calling. So I wonder why it is that I just let my life happen to me. Why do I not resolutely set out? Why don't I have anywhere I have to go?

Why do I let myself off the hook?

Should I not love people, love God, and love myself on purpose?

Sniffing Glue in a Good Way...

I love books. The smell of glue, the heavy feel of each leaf between my thumb and index finger. Reading taught me who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I could be. Some of my best friends and teachers have been characters in books. Today I joined the public library and as I roamed the aisles selecting my books, I was positively giddy with all the potential I could feel humming through the room.

I know it sounds weird and probably only a handful of you can understand what I'm talking about but I am unendingly grateful for being able to read. This is one of the ways that I enjoy creation. This is one of the ways I am reminded that God is good and I am part of this wonderful world.

So I am wondering, what other random, perhaps unusual things help you to remember goodness? What has made you who you are? I'd like to hear.

Ut Oh

Every once in a while, we really mess up.

Really mess up. And we're frozen in our mistakes and the consequences. This is life.
King David did this once. Actually he probably did it more than once, but I've got one story to tell you.

Here's the skinny: David's hanging out on his roof and sees a beautiful woman. So, he finds out who she is and they have an affair. And then she gets pregnant. Ut-oh. And her husband is out of town fighting in David's army. So David sends Uriah to the front lines of the battle so he'll die. And he does. David's friend and favorite prophet, Nathan, calls David out on his selfishness, his lust, his murder. Nathan tells David that Bathsheba and his baby is going to die. And it does. David's heart is broken. But David and Bathsheba have another baby, named Solomon. And Solomon was great and he later became the king. The result of such heartache...

Good can come from bad. God will forgive and forget even when others can't or won't. Let him.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Showing Up

My parents, bless them, are not the most punctual people.
Ever.
At all.
I remember countless days from elementary school right through high school sitting on the curb outside school, waiting...feeling embarassed because I was the last one, angry because I was the last one, sad because I was the last one. I would sit on that curb, sometimes sweaty from being out in the sun, sometimes shaking from the cold, always furious that my parents were making me wait and that they did not love me enough to remember to come get me.

And yet every time one or the other eventually showed up.

They always showed up. And I wasn't angry anymore.

I do the same thing with God. Hurt, angry, sad, disappointed because I feel forgotten. I want salvation on my time schedule and when I doesn't happen, I'm left alone on the curb, furious.

But God always shows up.

A Picture of Me

A favorite song by a favorite band. (Piece of Glass by Caedmon's Call) It's about mirrors and self image. Thoughts?

Can’t believe that I did it again
Wake me up from this nightmare
‘Cause this monster is filling me up filling me out

Everyday I live a bit less; one night leads to another
Even if I went back they would recognize me or criticize me

Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can't rely.
After all you're just a piece of glass.

Still this nightmare's all mine, when I call him he answers
I can tell him when to come, when to stay
Sometimes I'm weaker than he is, is he just letting me win
He can tell me when to come, when to stay

Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can't rely. After all you're just a piece of glass.

Don’t talk, listen
Hold me tighter
Stay with me just for a while
Until the sun shines stay with me
Just give me one more day

Who are you that cries when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause we're not the same, you're just a picture of me
You’re gone as soon as I leave; you've lived my life for me
And you're no more than a piece of glass
You're no more than just a piece of glass

Mental Health Day

Let me preface this post with an apology for being late. I had way too much to do last night... Oh, the irony!

I know you guys are super-busy with school and your friends and life in general. I remember those pre-college days when I wouldn't get home until 9:30 and I still had homework to do. (Sidenote: college is great! Class starts at 1, lasts an hour...)

What I'm trying to say here is that I can totally relate to feeling like you're being pulled in a zillion different directions. The hard part about it all is that no one seems to understand how important it is to be alone and be quiet for just a little while. Everyone wants something from you.

So does God.

He wants you to be still. He wants you to take a deep breath and look at the wonderful things around you. The Psalms tell us to be still often. "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10). Call it a Mental Health Day, call it a mental break down, just take some time for you. To explore yourself and to explore God. It might be a little scary to take a good, hard look at yourself but it's worth it. It's necessary. Be Still.

six senses

I find this passage in a novel I like (Everything is Illuminated) by an author I like (Jonathan Safran Foer):

"Jews Have Six Senses

Touch, taste, sight, smell, hearing...memory. While Gentiles experience and process the world through the traditional senses, and use memory only as a second-order means of interpreting events, for Jews memory is no less primary than the prick of pin, or its silver glimmer, or the taste of the blood it pulls from the finger. The Jew is pricked by a pin and remembers other pins. It is only by tracing the pinprick back to other pinpricks- when his mother tried to fix his sleeve while his arm was still in it, when his grandfather's fingers fell asleep from stroking his great-grandfather's damp forehead, when Abraham tested the knife point to be sure Isaac would feel no pain- that the Jew is able to know why it hurts.

When a Jew encounters a pin, he asks: What does it remember like?"

I like that quite a lot. I want to find my identity, my understanding of the world, in the across-time story of humanity. I want to remember like I see (or better, really; I'm pretty blind) or hear or taste.

I think that this is the kind of remembering we should be doing when we take communion or are baptized. We are to know Jesus and ourselves through doing the very tasks he did. We are to understand the texture of the bread and the tart of the wine and the chill of the water because Jesus did so first.

Yes, I like that quite a lot.

Also, there's a good little conversation going on in the comments from two posts ago- the one entitled "Identity, Honesty, and Huck Finn." Go check it out and join in!

Ring, sing, cling, and ting

A little background... April is National Poetry Month and one of my favorite blogs is posting poems each day. Today's poem is from a 9 year old named Ella Gottschild:

"A Wonderful World"
This is a scared time because I fear
That this is a story of a very famous tear.
And it is like the big bright stars
At wonderful, fun, and cool Mars.
And at the beach the nice shells
Ring, sing, cling, and ting like bells.
It’s a wonderful sight
Of some wonderful light.
And this sounds like a weird world.
But it is a wonderful world.

Nine seems like a faraway place but I guess it isn't. Because I feel the same way a lot.

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:2-4

Identity, Honesty, and Huck Finn

I've been thinking the last couple weeks about how well two people can really know each other. I'm not sure how theological this question is but I think that a lot of how we understand God is learned from our relationships with others, so maybe more so than I think.

Anyway, the question is this: how well can two people know one another? I have one friend who I think probably knows me better than anyone else, and yet, I think he probably knows who I am far better than how I am. (An important, if confusing, distinction. The person I am versus the things I do or how I react.)

This isn't necessarily a question of us building walls to hold others out- it's just the fact that there are parts of ourselves that cannot be revealed to others. It isn't a lie of identity so much as a question of self-knowledge.

And if we cannot truly be ourselves with others, can we be ourselves with God? (Not that God doesn't already know who we are.) But can we be completely honest with God if we aren't always sure what honesty is?

Huck Finn says you can't pray a lie. But is it always that black and white?

Um, who's ready for Spring Break?

Hello my dearies!
We're closing in on Saturday which means, of course, CHARLESTON!!!! (Sorry to any adults/middle schoolers out there!) I know that you guys are excited about just getting away, but I hope that you're also thinking and praying about your experiences over the week. We'll be studying the ideas of oppression and injustice throughout the week and I want to give you guys a couple verses of scripture to begin looking at... call it homework-

Micah 6:8- "He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

Isaiah 1:17- "Learn to do good; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow."

What is God asking of us in these verses? Are we (the church) being successful?

See you Saturday :)

mean reds

My right contact won't stay still and it hurts. My hair is air drying and getting poofier by the second. I'm cold and tired and don't feel like doing the 836 things on my To-Do list. I'm too busy to read the book I borrowed from a friend and my thoughts are buzzing around my head like gnats.

And I'm wondering what happened to my Easter joy.

And feeling guilty about it.

What is it that causes us to go through the cycles of spiritual highs and lows?

Everyone does it, right? You know how it goes... the "mountain top" experience which tapers into a dry spell. Tonight isn't really a dry spell, but I'm just feeling whiny and sick of everything. I am wondering though, what is it about humans that we can't quite keep up our spiritual momentum. Thoughts?

P.S. If you don't know what the mean reds are, you should watch "Breakfast at Tiffany's." It's a classic!

Good Friday (on Saturday)

In answer to Patrick's question a couple days ago, the ironic-seeming title Good Friday probably originated from the ancient name for the day, God's Friday. And yet, it seems somehow fitting that we would call this day "good". Despite the injustice and the horror, it was and is our only chance for salvation. It is a day of bright sadness methinks.

Tie-dyed Fingers

So something has been on my mind lately. Something someone said a couple days ago.

we are an easter people.

I'm seeing Easter in a whole new way this year. Not as a child, not as a consumer. But as a woman of God who is defined by the events of a weekend. As a creation who was molded by hands that were nailed to a cross.

One of my professors told us yesterday of the Easter tradition of his church. The sanctuary is draped in black cloth from Maundy Thursday to Sunday morning and as the ministers process in, they rip down the cloth, singing "Victory in Jesus."

Easter isn't about chocolate bunnies, not about my multi-colored fingers from dyeing eggs, and not about new dresses and suits. It's about an empty tomb.

Victory in Jesus, my Savior forever,

He sought me and bought me

with His redeeming blood.

He loved me e're I knew Him

and all my love is due Him.

He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood.

dad.

So I'm thinking about families today. I have a great family, even if they're pretty insane a lot of the time. I'm guessing that you would probably say that your family is a little crazy too and if not, I'm going to think it anyway so I don't have to acknowledge that my family is kooky.

Anyway, moving on, I've always heard that when people hear that God is their Father, it makes them think of their biological father. And in many ways, people superimpose their idea of their biological father on God. Whether you have a great dad or not, he is not God. Don't limit God with the limits your own father has. God is 100% good, 100% loving. He is never grouchy or short-tempered or overbearing or anything else that your dad can be. A lot of people don't have a father. Or they hate the father they do have. There is another Father that wants desperately to care for you. He is comforting and kind. He will desire and pursue you. He loves you.

(* This entry seems kind of down on earthly fathers. It was certainly not intended to! I love my Daddy a lot. But I'm also pretty sure that he would agree with what I've written.)

citizen x

So we had a lecturer at school today who is very involved in the political and religious arena. My own politics were very much challenged by reading one of his books and just being around him made me reconsider the American political situation. In one of our conversations today, the question arose about our generation's politics. Obviously there is tremendous support for Barak Obama coming from our generation, but I wonder why? (I am not endorsing any candidate here, by the way, I just want some feedback!)

Where are you guys politically? Do you hate all political conversation? Are you a news fiend, checking for updates regularly? Another big question we had today was about the media. Do you trust the media to give you true accounts of the world's events? Do you care? Are you involved? Why or why not? I would really like to hear some ideas on this topic because it is one that I don't have answers to. How are we, as Christians, called to live out our citizenship?

a poem

by one of my favs, Gerard Manley Hopkins:

"Pied Beauty"

GLORY be to God for dappled things—
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough;
And áll trádes, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.

I was out west for a couple days this week and I was reminded of this poem. The landscape was breathtaking. So much of what we praise is the obvious, glorious beauty of creation. I'm also glad for the trout. It's pretty wonderful God work too.

Raspberry Jelly

Once upon a time, I made homemade jelly from some berries I picked. It was one of the most wonderfully spiritual experiences of my life. And yes, I'm a mountain girl. This is how we do...

So you're probably thinking right now that you don't care about my foray into the berry picking/ jelly making business but there's a point here. It's coming.


I found God in the raspberry patch. Here's how:

When you pick raspberries, you look for the blackest ones. The thing is though, that the black ones might be in a cluster of all red ones, and there, in the midst of what looks like unuseful berries, will be the best one of all.

As you venture into the patch, you might start on the fringes, getting the easily accessible berries. After you get all those, you have to climb in, in all the briars and brambles and stickers, and start picking where its a little painful.

It always seems that the best berries are just out of reach. You can see them, but you can't quite pluck them from the plant. You can always go farther.

As you make your retreat from the berry patch, you might have a few scatches on your hands and arms, maybe a thorn in your finger, a few berries smushed into your clothes, and a heck of a feeling of self-satisfaction.

And thus I make a mundane task an experience with God. He's in the small things.

This reminds me of some of my most favorite Scripture, from 1 Kings 19:11-13. So our boy Elijah is out in the wilderness and he's told to go stand out on the mountain because the Lord is going to pass by. So he does (smart boy!) Okay, so Elijah's waiting for God and there comes a "great and powerful wind" but God is not in the wind. And then comes an earthquake, and a tremendous fire, but God is in neither of those. And then comes a "gentle whisper."

And God is in the whisper.

Be open to the small things.

You knew it was coming...

...the inevitable dating post! It's high time I write about the one topic that everyone between the ages of 4 and 102 thinks about many times a day- the opposite sex.

I'm pretty sure that there is something inside most people that compells them to feel a deep, insatiable need to find love (or at least like) from someone not in their family. (Those within the family... a whole different story and this isn't West Virginia. ) Anyway, so we've established that we all feel the need to be loved. The question is how...

Now I'm probably not really the person to give lots of advice on this subject but I can tell you some definite mistakes I've made and seen others make:

1) dating people that don't love God - seems like an insignificant problem until you have a broken heart and you and God aren't where you were. Why would you want to date someone who isn't good for you eternally?
2) dating people you know you would never even want to marry. Um, hello? Biggest waste of time ever... and congratulations, another broken heart.
3) dating someone who doesn't like your friends (unless your friends are jerks.) A good way to end up without a date and without friends
4) dating someone who doesn't like your parents or vice versa. They're your parents. Forever. Find someone who will respect them and will be worthy of their respect.
5) dating someone who doesn't have the same priorities as you. Life isn't perfect and there are going to be problems, but at least aim for the same goals.
6) dating just to be dating. I've spent the bulk of my datable years single. It isn't always fun but it is better than dating someone just because its the thing to do. It's okay to be single.
7) dating someone who plays games (I don't mean xbox). Games that leave you wondering where you stand and make your heart ache. Boys and girls who play games don't stop playing games just because you're officially together.

Okay, so those are my basic guidelines. Maybe they aren't yours but I think they're probably pretty reasonable. I've spent a fair amount of time playing safe to avoid a broken heart and I wouldn't advise that (you just end up lonely) but I would advise being responsible with your heart and with your love. You're worth it.

(beautiful, scandalous night)

go on up to the mountain of mercy
to the crimson perpetual tide
kneel down on the shore
be thirsty no more
go under and be purified

follow Christ to the Holy mountain

sinner, sorry and wrecked by the fall

cleanse your heart and your soul

in the fountain that flows

for you and for me and for all

Chorus

at the wonderful tragic mysterious tree

on that beautiful scandalous night you and me

were atoned by His blood and forever washed white

on that beautiful scandalous night

on the hillside you will be delivered

at the foot of the cross, justified

and your spirit restored

by the river that pours

from our blessed Saviour's side-

Bridge

you carried the sin of mankind on your back

and the sky went black

go on up to the mountain of mercy

to the crimson perpetual tide

kneel down on the shore

be thirsty no more

go under and be purified

(words by s. hindalong) ...a favorite...

arms.

As many of you may have noticed yesterday, there were a lot of people in the world with the word "Love" written on their arms. I was one of them. (Incidently, thanks to the permanent ink I used, I still am...) We did this as a reminder to ourselves to treat everyone with whom we come into contact with love, reminding them that they are wonderful and special.

Last night in the bathtub, I watched the ink rise from my wrist like smoke and dissolve in the water. I began to wonder about the word on my arm. Did I treat people with love yesterday? Do I treat people with love everyday? Do I need a word on my arm to spark conversation or am I a spark?

Was it just a word temporarily written on my arm, or was it an action tattooed on my heart?

These are the things I am wondering about.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, summer...

...is coming. I know that a lot of you have already signed up, but I wanted to use this forum to encourage you to find out about and sign up for Passways camp. And to tell you my Passport story.

Two summers ago I took my youth group to Passport camp (same thing, same people, different name) in Louisville, Kentucky. I had never gone to Passport and I was a little nervous because I didn't know what to expect. And um, I didn't expect the wonderfulness that we got.

Passport/Passways has an amazing summer staff of college and seminary students that are from all over the country. For those of you who are considering going into the ministry, I expect that they will be a great asset for you. These same people lead tremendous worship services. The camp was so well organized and planned that everything just flowed. There was a lot of downtime figured into the schedule so we had plenty of time to just spend with one another and explore Louisville. There was this one really good ice cream place...

Anyway, our work at Passport was amazing. The mission projects that my kids worked on changed them, changed me. Some of us went to a boys home and school for emotionally disturbed kids who were part of the social services system. We spent a week playing with, tutoring, feeding, and loving young boys who had no one. Most of these kids had parents who were dead, in prison, or on drugs. They got into fights and cursed at one another, they cried for no reason, they hadn't been hugged in a long time, no one loved them.

And we got to be Jesus to them. It was an honor.

I hope that you will look at your calendar and try to come to Passways with us this summer. I can promise that even if you aren't in the missions track, you will leave different, blessed by a week of people who love Jesus and love you. Contact us.

not really a dog

So I love watching dog shows. It's weird, I know. I only watch the Westminster but gosh, the past two days have been glorious. I'm a little embarassed that I'm writing this actually.

Anyway, so watching the dog show got me thinking about the judging. The judges in dog shows compare each dog to the ideal definition of what that dog ought to be. Like, the beagle that won for its breed is the very definition of what a beagle should be. Then that dog moves to its group where its perfection is measured against the perfection of the other breeds in that group. Then the winner of the group goes on to the final round where its perfection is compared to all the other group winners's and one will be named "Best in Show." Got all that? The point is that really they are just being compared to their ideal self.

Also tonight, I got coffee with my good friend. This is always a good time of the week for me; she and I sip our coffee, looking all college-ish, and catch up on the events of the week. Tonight's topic was "What is wrong with me and why am I not enough?" Okay, so this really wasn't the pity party that it sounds like (or it was, but that isn't relevant), we were just trying to figure out why we always fall short of who we wish we were and who other people think we ought to be.

I am probably my own harshest critic. I can be really hard on myself. I am realizing though, that I have to judge myself based on...myself. If I am being the very best Jenny Lee that I can be, if I am living up to God's requirements for me, then that is enough. If I am a bulldog, I can't try to fit the definition of a Yorkshire terrier. Even if the Yorkie is ranked higher. God made me to be a bulldog and if I'm trying to be anything else, it's sinful.

I'm learning to be okay with however my bulldog-ness defines me.

ReFlecTIons

First, let me say that I'm sorry there was no Tuesday post. It's been an insane week. Insane, really. Anyway, moving on.

I hope that you all left Wednesday night with a new perspective on Ash Wednesday and the entire Lenten season. Your D-Team leaders should have reviewed some of the points of Ash Wednesday but I want to remind you that this is a good place to leave questions and comments about the service- I'll try to answer everything I can. I would really like to hear some feedback on your thoughts from the service. What did you like? What was confusing? What spoke to you and what got on your nerves?

Also, a lot of you have asked about the Sand Stories that we watched in worship. They are from a guy named Joe Castillo. You can check out his stuff at www.sandstory.com. It is pretty wonderful.

I want to take this opportunity to ask you to all engage in the Lenten season as much as possible. After a few years of learning about and participating in Lent, I have a much different perspective on Easter. I can pretty much assure you that it will be a blessing if you let it.

Let it.

Thursday.

So at the risk of sounding Bipolar (in light of Tuesday's post) , I'm feeling really sad tonight.

Two young boys that I really love and that have had a really hard life had a particularly awful day. I'm not sure how many times they should have to see someone who is supposed to take care of them carried off in handcuffs. I'm pretty sure the answer is zero. I want someone to take care of my young friends but it just looks like the world has failed them yet again. Tonight, my prayer for them is song lyrics:

When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)

You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)

When you're weak, He is strong

He can heal your wounded soul

And calm the storm inside

("With Every Breath" Leigh Nash & Dan Haseltine)

Pray for my little friends, please.

A Numbers Game

So I was reading one of my new favorite blogs (thegoblinonline.net) and I came across this great post about numbers. I'm having a good, joyful day. I'm glad for the lengthening day and the warmer temperatures and these numbers expressed my feelings better than I could. So, I'm abridging it a bit and I'm giving it to you:

• There are 8.4 million combinations that DNA from two people can create. I'm pretty glad with the combination your parents and mine came up with.
• Each letter in the Hebrew alphabet has a numerical value. Therefore, every word has a numerical value. The numerical value of the Hebrew word Chai, meaning "life," is 18. This is significant, according to rabbinic tradition, because 18 is also the number of vertebrae which bend before God when we pray.
• Scientists estimate that there are nine galaxies for everyone alive today. Each galaxy contains at least 100 billion stars.
• There are 400 billion suns in the Milky Way - or 69 suns for every person alive today. I like the one we got.

So take your galaxies, your suns, your vertebrae, and your DNA and appreciate the combinations we have. It's a good day.

Really.

Do you ever feel like you are working so hard at being super-Christian and you aren't getting anything back in return? Geez, I wrote the book on this a few years ago. I constantly questioned myself, is it worth it? I'm not going to lie, I thought I was a hero of the faith, a martyr for all of Christiandom. I thought maybe if I did all the right things, acted the right way, stood up for all the right causes, then God would reward me. Of course, my view of this reward was money, a good-looking boyfriend, etc. You get the picture. I wavered between being proud of my super-Christian act (and yes, it was mostly an act) and being jealous of the people who were having fun. What I really had was a huge case of pride, and it was about to kill me. I was doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. (This is not to say that everything I did was selfishly motivated, but a good bit was.)

Over time, I realized that my heart was poisoned. This is not how it is supposed to be. I was not saved to be proud of myself for doing the right things. Sometimes its the people who look like they have it all together who are screwed up the worst. I should honor God because I love Him, not because He loves me and I want other people to love me too. I had it all backwards. Why should I be angry or jealous of someone who didn't even know God? Psalm 73 helped me get the whole jealousy issue under control.

Psalm 73:13- The psalmist is thinking that all his hard work at being what God asks is in vain. He's tired of being the "good guy" all the time. Especially when it seems like everyone else is being rewarded for their lifestyle. Later in the Psalm he realizes he's been a fool. He says he was "senseless and ignorant... like a beast before You." He realizes that he is continually with God and that there is no higher desire on earth than to be with God.

Maybe you're like me, thinking you've got it all together and you're angry because you don't seem to be getting what you deserve. Newsflash: you probably don't have it all together and you don't deserve anything. Maybe you're my opposite, and you hate the people who act like they have all the answers. We're idiots, but don't hate us. We're trying.

Brother's Keeper

Monday you all got out of school for Martin Luther King, Jr. day. I hope you enjoyed your break and got all rested up from this weekend. When we think about MLK, we automatically associate him with his work in tearing down racial barriers and building bridges between Americans. Today I want you to consider another aspect of King's speeches that are, perhaps, more relevant today than ever.

While speaking about the Good Samaritan parable, King discusses the Jericho Road on which the injured man had been traveling, he writes:

"In the final analysis, I must not ignore the wounded man on life's Jericho road, because he is part of me and I am part of him. His agony diminishes me and his salvation enlarges me."

On the Ski Trip, my small group and I discussed how God was with the marginalized, the poor, those suffering through injustice. We are called to be with those people. By working with them, we will see God. If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem

King is right, we are all connected. My story is part of your story. The hungry kid downtown is part of your story too. Your story is part of God's story. And you are your brother's keeper.

church

I love church. I've always liked going. I love the stained glass and the music and the funny, weird pictures of Bible scenes that come with Sunday school literature. I was thinking about all this while I was in class today because one of my professors asked this question-

Why can't we make church all it can and should be?

And so, I want to ask you, what is your favorite thing about church? What makes you want to go and what makes you not want to go? What frustrates you about church? What makes it worth it?

"I rejoiced with those who said to me, "Let us go into the house of the Lord." (Psalm 122:1)

puzzled.

I am a procrastinator rock star. I firmly believe in putting off what can be done later. (I know that's bad- this isn't an advice column; don't judge me!) Anyway, here's where I'm going with this: I also put off doing everything I know I'm supposed to do to enrich my relationship with God.

It's so much easier to avoid reading my Bible until, say, I get a new devotional book... or avoid praying or spending silent time with God until the 30 seconds before I fall asleep... why ask someone to truly hold me accountable when it's so much easier just to handle my spirituality on my own? (these aren't good excuses anymore)

The point here is, that I think we all are silently waiting for some piece of the Jesus puzzle to fall into place in our lives. We're twiddling our thumbs waiting for the next post-retreat spiritual high because we've convinced ourselves that only that is how we will grow closer to Christ. It's a cycle of destruction and procrastination. We refuse to do the heavy lifting that is required for a relationship to work.

But then I read 2 Peter 1:3, which says "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."

Yes, that's right, "everything we need." Turns out that I already have the last piece of the puzzle. I think maybe it's just fallen under the table or maybe we forgot to take it out of the box, but that last piece is floating around here somewhere. We have it. Let's stop wasting our time waiting and just work on the puzzle, okay?

the voting booths are closed for the night...

In honor of the presidential primaries kicking into high gear, I offer to you a more political post. That is, in the form of some song lyrics that I'm particularly fond of. This is "A King and a Kingdom" by Derek Webb, for the record:

"Who's your brother, who's your sister? You just walked passed him; I think you missed her. As we're all migrating to a place where our Father lives, because we've married into a family of immigrants.

My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man. My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood. It's to a King and a Kingdom.

There are two great lies that I’ve heard:“The day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die,” and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class Republican and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him."

I like this. I like Derek Webb in general, actually, but the first time I heard this, I just couldn't suppress a smile. He's right, you know, my first citizenship is to the Kingdom of God, not America. I think we forget that, and it speaks right to the idea of our Christian identity. Who are we first?

Furthermore, there's just a lot here to unpack- the not-so-subtle reminder that as Christians we are on a journey, as well as the reminder that Jesus isn't just like us (or anyone, actually).

Thoughts?

stop.

So the official Life, Honestly holiday is over and I'm back to work. Tonight I'd like to talk about something that might be a bit touchy for all of us... our idea of success. As Americans, we are taught (consciously or sub-consciously) that we ought to be seeking money, fame, attention. And if you tell me that you don't want those things, I'm not going to believe you. We all do. We all dream about being a famous author, musician, athlete, something.

I realize that you've heard this whole spiel before, but I want to ask you- For what are you working so hard? So many of you have told me how stressed out you are about school and sports and juggling your frenetic life with church activities and friends. Why are you working so hard? What are you trying to achieve?

Please don't ever tell me that you don't have time to serve God. I'm not asking you to be a martyr for Trinity Baptist Church, I'm asking you to live your life like God intended. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that God has plans for us, plans for prosperity, a hope, and a future. While that might include an awesome job and lots of money, I think it means a relationship. A relationship with Him. So often we think that verse means that God is making promises about us paying our bills and getting in to college. But read the context. Jeremiah 29:10-14 is about a relationship with God, not materialism.

There is nothing, nothing you can be doing that is more important than growing intimate with God. To be perfectly honest with you, I'm not good at this either. At all, actually. Taking time for God is something that I really struggle with.

And so, right this minute I'm telling you (and myself) something that God has laid on my heart. We are free from living up to someone else's ideas of success. We are free even from our own ideas of success. You don't have to take AP classes or score points or even be beautiful.

Stop seeking what cannot be attained.