Speaking of Judging...

The last comments from Tuesday's post made me think about the things we judge. I'm reading this amazing book that you should all go buy right now called The Shack by William P. Young.

Mackenzie Phillips, the main character of the book, is spending the weekend in a shack with God a couple years after the brutal rape and murder of his daughter in that same shack. At one point, Mack spends some time with Sophia, the personification of God's wisdom and she shows him that he judges God. Mack is amazed at the audacity of him choosing to judge God and begins to realize how infinitely other God is.

I've been thinking about the ways that I judge God. I know I do it. All the time, I assume that I know what God is like. And I'm willing to bet that sometimes, I'm wrong. For about a month now I've been praying this prayer:

"For a long time I've been trying to make You into what I want You to be. Instead, make me into what You want me to be."

...doesn't love a wall.

I've been thinking about boundaries lately. More specifically, the boundaries between people. Robert Frost comes to mind. Have you ever read "The Mending Wall"? It's at http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15719 if you'd like to read it. I sometimes find that first, haunting line running through my head-

Something there is that doesn't love a wall.

I am not by nature a trusting person. I have a hard time trusting anyone with anything important. I also have a hard time trusting God. And yet, I don't love walls. I don't want to build walls, shutting people out. I want an honest relationship with the people I come in contact with.

I'm pretty sure it's just a human thing to feel the need to keep parts of ourselves hidden. I guess I'm afraid of disappointing people and being vulnerable. I also know that God doesn't want me to live that way.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way... thoughts?

These are a few of my favorite things...

For this post I thought I'd share some of my favorite books, websites, and music. A lot of these have been really formative for my faith and I'm excited about sharing them with you guys. Maybe as you while away the hours of your Christmas break you'll check some of these out.

Books: (the titles aren't underlined because that's just not an option on here... sorry!)

• Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller (or anything by Donald Miller, period)- a great book for speaking honestly about matters of faith. Hilarious and deep, a great book to share with unbelievers too. Probably the most formative book for my faith. Ever. Not counting the Bible.
• Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell- a thought-provoking look at Christianity in the postmodern world. Which is fancy way of saying it's talking about you. You might not agree with everything the book says, but it's definitely going to make you think. Which is a good thing, really.

Music:

• Anything by Derek Webb- Derek Webb was part of Caedmon's Call until relatively recently when he started doing solo work. His music is well-crafted and never quite fits in any genre. Lyrically, Webb has something to say and he's probably right about it all. He deals with the subjects that no one else wants to. My favorite albums are "She Must and Shall Go Free" and "Mockingbird."
• "40 Acres" and "Long Line of Leavers" by Caedmon's Call- Two terrific albums by a band who very much understands the plight of young Christians. A lot of their music has been a real blessing and encouragement to me over the years.
• Although not exclusively "Christian", Wilco is another band that speaks my language.

Websites:

• Burnside Writer's Collective- www.burnsidewriterscollective.com A delightful online magazine that is presenting a new way of looking at faith. Every Monday they publish articles on a variety of subjects from sports to theology to music. These guys are actually all friends of Donald Miller (another reason to go read his books!)
• CNN- www.cnn.com Karl Barth once said you should always read your Bible with your newspaper (or vice versa, either way you get the point). Be aware of what is going on around you; watch how Christians are moving in the world.
• The Wittenburg Door- www.thewittenburgdoor.com A funny and often irreverent look at Christianity... from Christians. If you don't have a good sense of humor, maybe you should just stay away.

Okay, so these are some of my favorite things, places and sources that have helped me to think through my faith. I would love to hear some of yours so please, add to the list by leaving comments!

Jerry, Take 2

First, a little background:
When I was 14, my church did a big True Love Waits thing and we had this ceremony to publicize the decision that many of us made to wait until marriage to have sex. It was in the sanctuary and there were rings involved. In fact, I still have my ring and have worn it on my left ring finger ever since.

Back to now, with Jerry, the Enterprise guy who seems to have a way of convicting me...:
So Jerry and I are in the P.T. Cruiser heading back to the body shop to pick up my car when he asks if I'm married. (Which made me laugh a bit, honestly.) I realized he was looking at my True Love Waits ring and so I explained what it meant. Now up until this point, Jerry and I were really friendly, having a good conversation. But as soon as I explained, a wall went up. Jerry had not made the same decision I had and through my words I had completely alienated him. The conversation was over.

My little silver ring told Jerry that I was holy and he was not.

I decided two things that very minute- 1) My decision was between God and me, no one else. 2) I was never wearing that ring again.

I shudder at the thought that I alienated a potential friend, someone who I don't know if believed. I think that I lost the chance to share anything with Jerry because my ring preached a gospel of justification by action. This decision to stop wearing my ring was something that I really struggled with because where is the line between proclaiming your faith and being like a Pharisee? I don't really have an answer but I do know this: I don't need a ring to remind me that I'm not going to have sex until I'm married.

I do need to be available and a friend to someone who needs one.

All

A couple things:

1) I am without a good excuse for why I haven't posted anything new in a while. I just have been lazy. Anyway, I'd like to get on a schedule with this thing so here's the plan. Expect a new post every Tuesday and Thursday at least... maybe more, depending on my motivation, but T/Th for sure.

2) Also, remember Jerry the Enterprise guy? Well, there was another conversation when he took me to pick my car up so expect something new on the Jerry front in a couple days.

But now, I want to share with you my great thought for the weekend.

Yesterday I was driving to Charlotte and I was bored with all the music on the radio so I just cut it off and started singing to myself. I started, of course, with the old favorites, some Broadway show tunes and such and made the natural progression to Christmas songs. I was singing "Breath of Heaven" when one of the lyrics got stuck in my throat.

"But I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan."

I just started crying when I sang that. I just couldn't quit thinking that I'm not sure I've ever offered God all that I am and I'm not sure that I've ever let go of my life enough to completely trust the mysteries of God's plan. I think there is an easy way out of this conviction but I'm not sure I want to take it. I do wonder though, what would life look like if, like Mary and Joseph, I offered every part of my life (school, work, reputation, appearance) to God. What would be changed around me? What could I change in the world?

I do not believe that God has short changed me one time. We are currently celebrating God's merciful plan for our salvation. Supposedly, we really believe he loves us. So why am I so afraid of committing my all?